Wipers vs Washers


July 25, 2013 by John Crapper

A toilet paper roll

A toilet paper roll (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“The global toilet paper industry is worth $15-20 billion and according to the most recent statistics available, the average American uses 57 sheets a day.”

Here is a little Church of the Holy Shitters experiment. Take a finger and place it in some feces. Next, wipe the finger as many times as desired with toilet paper to remove the material. Use either 4-ply or 2-ply. It really doesn’t matter. Smell your finger. What does it smell like? Would you consider it clean? Would you eat finger food with this finger without washing it first?

English: Yelle

“Using paper to cleanse the anus makes as much sense, hygienically, as rubbing your body with dry tissue and imagining it removes dirt. It is truly ass-backward. Islamic scholars have known for centuries that paper won’t achieve the scrupulous hygiene required of Muslims. In a World Health Organization publication that attempts to teach health education through religious example, Professor Abdul Fattah Al-Husseini Al-Sheikh quotes the Prophet’s wife, Aisha. She had “never seen the Prophet …coming out after evacuating his bowels without having cleaned himself with water.”

“Paper cultures are in fact using the least efficient cleansing medium to clean the dirtiest part of their body.” A study conducted in Oxfordshire, England by Dr. J.A. Cameron in 1964 surveyed the underwear of 940 men and found fecal contamination in nearly all of them that ranged from “wasp-colored “ stains to “frank massive feces.” Ah shit – this is too much information! I’m not going to tell you about the women.

Interestingly, the Japanese, although using the most advanced toilets in the world, are still wipers not washers.

Why is it that most of our highly advanced technological societies are wipers? As Poop John the First of the Church of the Holy Shitters I find this quite ironic. We use water to clean ourselves when taking a shower. We use water to wash our dishes and clean our floors. We use it to wash our cars. Yet when we sit down to take a dump, we reach for a roll of toilet paper and wipe the crap from our crack. This, I find, an interesting quirk of our hygienic lifestyle. Wouldn’t it be cleaner to wash our butts afterwards? How many times after doing your deed do you wonder if you “got it all”? How many times does the finger break through? You know what I’m talking about. And as we all know the sink is not close enough to avoid touching the clothes to get to it to wash your hands! Sometimes the truth hurts but what is a Poop for if not to level with his flock.

I’m here to tell you there is a better way. It is the Church of the Holy Shitters way. It is high time to convert to being a washer. It is easier on the environment. It is easier on your wallet. (One of these days I’m going to figure out how much the average person spends on toilet paper in a lifetime. I know it’s a shitload.)

It is already in use in selective parts of our world. For example, when I lived in Thailand most toilets (not caving to western customs) had sprayers installed similar to what we see in the US on kitchen sinks. When you were done with your business you grabbed the sprayer and washed yourself. Clean, hygienic, easier on the environment and cheaper on the wallet. I called it the “bum gun”.

English: Toilets in Thailand

When I bring this idea up with friends in the USA I get instant rejection of the idea. “It’s too cold here; the cold water would shock a person.” “It would never fly here. The wiping custom is too ingrained in our culture.”

Until we jump out of the box and remove the blinders clouding our perception in this regard, we will continue to be a nation of dirty assholes.

Oh yeah – I forgot to tell you the final part of the little experiment above. Don’t forget to wash that finger!

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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