August 15, 2013 by John Crapper

The Church of the Holy Shitters is an environmental religion. We believe in looking at things in an ass-forward way which basically means looking at things from the waste-end perspective. This requires us to think a lot about shitty things. After all, if we really want to straighten out all this crap we believe we really need to think about shit.

Over mankind’s long history, thinking and talking about shit has not been high on our list. Fecal matters tend to be shoved under the rug so to speak. The emergence of the Church of the Holy Shitters has changed all that. Now, all of a sudden, there is a religion focused on it. Shit is the focal point of our existence. It is the compass of our lives. It is the substance that directs our attention. It is the stuff that really matters. Its contemplation assists us in achieving the Shitty Way of Life aspired to by members of our Church.

This new and concentrated attention to shit has led to numerous insights and discoveries never before contemplated. Since our Church is compatible with science and we strive to alter our beliefs as scientific discoveries are made, there has been numerous consultations, seminars and collaborative efforts between our Church and the scientific community. This has led to a greater understanding of our natural world and opened up many new avenues for scientific inquiry. It is only fitting that a new scientific discipline has emerged as a result. That new discipline is the science of shitology.

Shitology strives to look at our natural world, both physical and mental, through the prism of the ass-forward waste-end perspective. Because of this dual focus, two branches of the science have emerged. One is known as Ecoshitology focusing on the physical side and the other is called Psychoshitology inquiring into the mental issues.

Although Shitology is the most recent of the established scientific disciplines, it has already contributed immensely to our understanding of the world in which we live. Its discoveries have also led to the questioning of heretofore commonly accepted truths in other disciplines.

Take, for instance, the commonly held beliefs in economics that growth and increases in consumption are always desirable. Shitology calls these beliefs into question. The externalities of waste-end considerations discovered by focusing on shit by Shitologists have challenged these basic pillars of economics. Up to this point capitalism has operated under the assumption that anything possible to produce that people can be convinced to buy is worthwhile to make and sell. The ass-forward waste-end approach forces an evaluation of products from the throw away end instead of the consumptive end. It calls into question the desirability of producing many products. Nuclear power is the perfect example. When this power source is looked at from the waste-end perspective the economic viability of using it is seriously called into question. To date there is still no satisfactory solution to deal with the waste generated by it.

Sanitation is another area where Shitology has altered thinking dramatically. Ecoshitology has put a spotlight on the absurdity of our current energy intensive sanitation system. It didn’t take long for ecoshitologists to come to the conclusion that our current system is totally ass-backwards. As they state in their position paper on the subject:

Each of us pays good money to have purified water pour into our toilets. We then do our business and flush it into the sewer system. We also pay hard-earned money to carry our excrement away to a sewage treatment plant. Along the way it is mixed in with all kinds of foreign substances including chemicals, solvents and medical waste. At our sewage treatment plants varying energy intensive, expensive processes are utilized to separate out the contamination from the water and return it to its pure state. The value of the remaining sludge, as a result of human excrement being mixed with other sources of contamination, is diminished.

From the psychoshitological side we get the following observation with regard to our current sanitation system:

This never-ending, expensive cycle of mishandled waste typifies truly ass-backward logic and indicates just how out of touch we are with our true nature. It also demonstrates what lengths we will go to deny our bodily functions and ignore our relationship and dependence on nature.

Shitology now advocates the adoption of Ecological Sanitation to correct the situation.

Shitologists have devoted a tremendous amount of time and resources into studying the phenomenon of ass-backward thinking. This has led to the discovery of the conditions of assmosis, and thought constipation. Now shitologists have developed effective treatments for both.

At present, Shitology is in its infancy in terms of its development. It holds great promise and hope for the betterment of mankind’s future. If you give a shit and are at a point in life when you are considering what occupation you wish to pursue, take a look at this promising new downward career path. It just might be a gas!

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  1. Anonymous says:

    An intriguing discussion is worth comment. I think that you
    need to write more on this issue, it might not be a taboo subject but usually people don’t discuss such issues.

    To the next! Cheers!!

    • John Crapper says:

      Thanks for the note of encouragement. Actually, funny you mention, but I’ll be writing and posting a whole lot more in the coming New Year on the whole subject of the Church of the Holy Shitters. If you want to get plugged into the loop please sign up to receive our newsletter scheduled to begin shortly after the New Year too.

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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