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The Gun the NRA Doesn’t Know About

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August 1, 2013 by John Crapper

“Whenever I make a bum decision,
I go out and make another one.”
quote by President Harry Truman

Harry S. Truman (1884 – 1972), 1945 – 1953 the...

I’m not a big fan of the National Rifle Association. I think their politics are way too right-wing for my taste and their political influence in government is much too pervasive. Don’t get me wrong. I have no philosophical problem with the right to bear arms. I see no animal rights issues with sports hunting. I’ve hunted in the past and will probably do so in the future. I don’t see the need, however, for a person to possess a rapid-fire semi-automatic weapon.

All of the above being said I would like to argue in favor of the swift and universal implementation and possession of a gun. These guns should be widely available throughout the world and be used on a daily basis.

Believe it or not, this is a gun the NRA doesn’t know anything about. I’m not even sure they would support its proliferation throughout the world. The gun I’m talking about is the bum gun.

So what is a bum gun you ask?  Well it’s a gun that literally blows your shit away. Let me explain. In the world today there are 2 kinds of people. There are wipe away and there are wash away. Wipe away people do their business of taking a dump and reach for the roll of toilet paper to clean themselves.  Wash away people reach for a sprayer (sometimes called the ass hose) located close to the toilet and gently spray themselves clean.

I find it odd in modern cultures throughout the world most people are still wipers and not washers. We take showers every day and miticulously clean our bodies. We are urged to wash our hands often to stop the spread of disease.  We use sanitizing lotion, air purification devices, disinfectants, and antiseptics to eliminate germs and bacteria from our environment.  We are told to cover our mouths when we cough. Restaurant workers are required to thoroughly wash their hands after visiting the restroom to stop the spread of fecal carrying diseases. Yet when we sit down to take a dump we reach with our bare hands for paper to wipe ourselves knowing full well that we are really not clean afterward.   Frequent underwear tracks provide indisputable proof of the fact that our current system is a hit and miss not fully satisfactory system to clean ourselves.

But the toilet paper industry does not want you to realize this fact.  It’s very big business in this country and around the world.  Take this one statistic.  In 2008 consumers in the United States spent more than $3.7 billion on toilet paper, according to Information Resources, and that does not include Wal-Mart Stores, (WMT) which does not report sales data!  This is literally ass-backwards consumerism in the shittiest sense of the term.

It is not this way in some parts of the world however. In some cultures water is used (e.g. as with a bidet or lota) either in addition or exclusively.  In Japan and South Korea, some toilets known as washlets are designed to wash and dry the anus of the user after defecation.  Thailand has fully embraced the bum gun.  Go into most toilets and toilet paper is nowhere to be found.  Spray and go away with a squeaky clean asshole.  The washing method allows you to clean yourself  in a cheaper,greener more environmentally friendly manner.

This wiper method has been something society has not questioned.  It has been a practice that has not been challenged or investigated.  I say it is time to change this.  I ask you to take the ass-forward step and please don’t squeeze or use the Charmin.  Don’t be an asshole – use an ass hose!   Install a bum gun for use with all your toilets.

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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