September 12, 2013 by John Crapper
1. Thou shalt pursue the understanding of Shit.
2. One who taketh a shit must giveth a shit.
3. Thou shalt not act like your shit doesn’t stink.
4. Thou shalt not poke one’s nose into other people’s shit.
5. If thou hast nothing constructive to say then don’t say shit.
6. Thou shalt not buy unnecessary shit.
7. Thou shalt not giveth someone shit.
8. Thou shalt conserve shit.
9. Thou shalt not take other people’s shit.
10. Thou shalt treat someone else’s shit the same way you would want your shit treated.
The Church of the Holy Shitters has 10 commandments to guide us on our journey toward our Shitty Way of Life. They serve as guideposts steering us through the challenges we face in our daily lives. Today I would like to take a close look at our supreme commandment. Our first commandment of “Thou shalt pursue the understanding of Shit”.
First, I would like you to take note of the Capital S given to the word shit in this commandment as compared to the small s used in all the subsequent ones. The capital S is used here for a very important reason. It indicates a difference in meaning and importance.
As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we are dedicated to Shit’s elevation to a holy substance and to giving Shit a paramount place in our ass-forward way of thinking.
The Church of the Holy Shitters celebrates the fact that each person’s bowel movement is unique and should be regarded with wondrous appreciation. Each one of us ejects unique shapes, sizes, textures, smells and colors of shit every day. It is important to look before you flush and contemplate and understand what your shit is telling you. We believe it is important to learn from your shit.
But this commandment dictates from us much more. Beyond the mere contemplation and understanding of the physical fecal material emanating from our butts each day, this first commandment instructs us to strive to have Smart Shits through the practice of the Sacrament of Holy Shitting. Let me explain.
Our Church teaches us that there are two kinds of shits in the world: dumb shits and Smart Shits.
A dumb shit is a non-reflective, self-centered act. You want to dump and go. You don’t have time to think about the eat/shit cycle. You don’t have time to reflect on your actions. You don’t give a shit about Shit. You are in a state of denial about your own shit. You think your shit doesn’t stink. You feel you can control shit. You crave shitty food. You want it all from mother Earth and you want it now. You are basically a short-sighted dumb ass!
A Smart Shit, on the other hand, is a reflective, meditative, contemplation of all that has transpired since the last time you took a dump. You take the time to really look at your shit. You are keenly aware of the eat/shit cycle. Consequently you do a physical self-assessment where you ask yourself some of the following questions: Were you good to the Earth during this interval? Did you act in a sustainable non-wasteful way? Were you a good custodian of your ecosystem? Did you put good food into your body? It is also a mental self-assessment where you ask yourself such things as: Did you not bullshit others? Did you refrain from giving others shit? Did you give a shit about others? Did you needlessly get upset over useless shit? Did you act as if your shit doesn’t stink?
Thus you perform an honest physical and mental self-assessment of your actions as you perform the actual act of getting rid of your shit. You resolve to correct your deficiencies and improve yourself between now and your next dump. As you physically let go of your physical shit you simultaneously let go of your mental shit as well. In the proper conduct of this ritual you receive the sacrament of Holy Shitting.
Our religion demands that we think about a substance that is constantly ignored by the vast majority of the world’s population. This lack of contemplation leads to a mental state we call ass-backward thinking. This ass-backward thinking results in a whole host of problems not being dealt with in a constructive manner.
There is a reason people call a toilet a head. For many of us, in our hectic world, it is the few moments in our day where we can sit, relax, contemplate and examine our lives in a personal and intimate way. (Shitbit by Poop John the First)