Consumer Diarrhea – America’s Disease!


November 28, 2013 by John Crapper


2008 – shoppers stampede a Walmart store which killed an employee and put a pregnant woman in the hospital.


2011 – A woman pepper sprays 20 other customers in a Walmart to get at a crate of Xbox video games.

A typical Wal-Mart discount department store i...

Black Friday Sale!  Midnight Madness Sale!  Clearance Sale!  50% off Sale!  Buy now!  Limited time offer!  Blow Out Sale!  Liquidation Sale – all items must go!  Act now! Don’t Delay!  Shop til You Drop Sale!

If you don’t get there in time it’s going to be gone.  Act now! Buy now!

Coupon sales offered from online sites such as Groupon and LivingSocial delivering one-day savings of up to 80%!  Act now!  Buy now!

Stores opening earlier and earlier during the all important holiday season. Act now!  Buy now!

Not to be outdone small retailers offer Small Business Saturday to woo customers.  Act now! Buy now!

Next up – Cyber Monday when online retailers put their wares on sale.  Act now!  Buy now!

It is always a good time to buy and every day brings a new sale and every event brings a new buying opportunity.  Everything is for sale, everything is on sale and there is always an urgency in your need to act and act fast to take advantage.

Consumers camping out for days suffering sleep deprivation and on edge.  Shoppers pushing and shoving to get into the store.  People being trampled to death in the rush of humanity to get to the deals.  People being punched,  shot and pepper sprayed to get to the bargains.

The important thing is to BUY NOW!!!

We suffer from a very dangerous disease in this country called consumer diarrhea.  Its symptoms are manifested most vividly on days such as Black Friday.  Its most blatant symptom is when a person becomes violent to satisfy the urge to purchase.  More subtle symptoms include the insatiable appetite a person exhibits to buy more stuff irregardless of need, tying your self-worth to the things you own and the “keep up with the Jones’ syndrome.

Left untreated this disease could result in buying ourselves right out of existence!  It surely results in people buying a lot of unneccessary, unneeded CRAP!

People with diarrhea can’t stop pooping.  People with consumer diarrhea can’t stop buying. It’s a sickness and needs serious treatment.

The Church of the Holy Shitters offers treatment.  Recognizing the disease is the first step.  Achieving the state of “Soft and Fluffy” and practicing ass-forward waste-end first thinking on a day to day basis offers a cure.

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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