Talking Heads


November 14, 2013 by John Crapper

Disclaimer: This guy is no relation to me even though we have the same name. First off he is a toilet and I’m a man. This video does provide proof though that other people have thought about talking heads and points to the distinct possibility that they do exist.

Ever wonder what toilets would say if they could talk? “No,” you say. Not a question real high on your list?

Well, with a name like John Crapper and holding the official title of Poop John the First in the Church of the Holy Shitters, I have pondered this question at length. Let me share with you some of my thoughts in this regard.

If toilets could talk they would talk shit. We would know much more about their most important holiday –World Toilet Day (November 19th). I’m sure they would tell us they get pissed on all the time and they get pissed off about shit being ignored all the time.

If toilets could talk I’m sure they would say they put up with a lot of shit every day. I bet they would claim they put up with more shit than anything or anybody else. They would probably tell us that no matter how important or regal the person is sitting on them their shit in fact does stink just like everybody else’s.

One thing for sure, if heads could talk I’m sure they would say they have met a lot of assholes. Most would say they have to put up with the same assholes day in and day out. They would say for sure they catch people with their pants down all the time. I guess they would say they have their head up someone else’s ass all the time too. Or maybe they would say they have someone’s ass in their head all the time. Depends of which way they look at things I guess. Either way I’m sure they would say they have a pretty shitty outlook on life; that every day is a pretty shitty one! That’s not necessarily a bad outlook for a toilet probably. Makes them feel wanted I’m sure. And we all know how wanted they are at times. A person can sure have a pretty shitty feeling when in need of the comfort of a toilet. I’m sure you’ll agree that many times a toilet is your best friend.

If the toilet was located in a public restroom shared with other toilets would they compare notes? Would they tell each other a person who reads on the toilet is a smart ass? Would they consider those that don’t a dumb ass? Would they know when they have a tight ass sitting on them. I would guess they would talk about the epidemic of obesity we have. They would probably scream out in terror and pain when a fat ass is sitting on them.

How about all the private habits conducted by people behind closed doors that could be revealed if toilets could talk. You could just imagine what things the toilet of the President could reveal. Toilet knowledge could provide governments with all kinds of crap on people. I bet it would make it easier to discern the facts from bullshit too. Let’s face it. Assholes have no choice but to reveal themselves to toilets.

Do you think toilets would have debates between themselves on what the difference is between an asshole and a butthole? Is there a difference?

As far as politics is concerned I would think toilets would tend to think of asses as bipartisan. They would say you have your left bum; you have your right bum; and they meet in the middle in a bipartisan way. I’m sure they would tell us that whatever the bums come out with it usually stinks!

I would think one of their most pressing issues would be sanitation too. One would have to assume that toilets would talk about shit more than anything else. It sort of dominates their lives. They would advise all of us of the pressing need for all people in this world to have access to toilets. They would lecture us for sure on how dramatically a toilet can change a person’s life. They would ask us to give a crap about people who lack adequate sanitation.

In our religion the toilet is our temple. In our practice of the Sacrament of Holy Shitting in striving to have smart shits, ideas such as these deserve our consideration and attention. We are committed to thinking about shit and treating our Shit as a holy substance.

Thinking about this it dawns on me that toilets probably would say a prayer every day too. It would go something like this. “Give us this day our daily Shit and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into diarrhea but deliver us from bullshit. Amen.”

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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