Perfect Poopers


February 13, 2014 by John Crapper

Perfect: Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.

Perfection: Broadly, a state of completeness and flawlessness.

Is there anything more perfect than a newborn baby? Beautiful and innocent a newborn enters this life ready to be shaped and molded by the forces surrounding its world.

When a newborn enters the world their poop literally doesn’t stink. It is called Meconium or Marmite and for the first 24 to 48 hours of life it has no odor.

Also, when babies enter the world they are a totally shameless shitter. Newborns have no need for privacy. No need for restraint. Let it go and let it flow with abandon. Pure nature in action. We are all born perfect poopers.

As it is with our newborn bodily functions it is with our mental functions. We are born tabula rasa ready to be molded and shaped by the outside world. We harbor no bias or ugly prejudice. We live in the moment and thrill at the smallest and simplest of stimuli. We basically come into the world in a perfect state.

What happens to us along the way? As we get older things change. The molding process begins. Our parents teach us right from wrong. We are taught etiquette, good manners and decorum. Our environment conditions us to what is and what is not acceptable behavior.

We are given constraints. Most of us are introduced into a religion where we are taught about the concept of God and our path to salvation. Some are told they are special, above the animals with a soul that will live for eternity. Others are taught certain people will go down and some people will go up after they die. Many are told that if they follow a path to salvation they have the promise of eternal salvation. Many are taught to think of others outside of their particular religion as heathens and pagans in need of conversion to their own. They are told others not in their religion need to be saved or shown the way to salvation because they are taught that their way is the only true way.


(Photo credit: BlueRobot)

As we each, in our own unique environment, learn how we are special we become a shameful shitter. That is a real shame. On the one hand we are taught we are made in the image of God and endowed with a special soul that lasts for all eternity. We marvel at our mental abilities and consider our bodies wonderful machines. We consider ourselves the pinnacle of creation, special in every way.

Special in every way, that is, until it comes to our excrement. When it involves these basic functions we are taught to be ashamed. We are taught it is abhorrent needing to be flushed away and forgotten as quickly as possible. It is easier for us to use, handle and think about animal excrement, but when it comes to our own we coil at the thought of it being useful in any way. The idea that it just might be a valuable resource never crosses most of our minds.

The common belief is we get wiser with age. I’m not so sure that’s the case when it comes to our fecal matters. We seem to go from a perfect pooping shameless shittter to an imperfect very shameful shitter. We go from a state where literally our shit does not stink to a state where we think our shit doesn’t stink. We increasingly become more full of shit and more ashamed of the fact that we take a shit! I’m not so sure that qualifies as getting wiser! What are your thoughts?

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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