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The Shitty Life – 2025 – Part 1 of 3

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November 25, 2014 by John Crapper

 

 

Written June 5, 2025 – Poop John the First Memoirs

Time to grab a beer and go to the backyard to relax.  I think I’ll begin work on my memoirs.  It’ll be fun to relive the journey.  Got to begin before my memory fades any further.  Can’t believe it’s 2025 and I’m 74 years old.  Can’t believe the Shitty Way of Life first mentioned in my book The Holy Shitters is now largely a reality.  Who would have thought!  This will be my last year as Poop John the First of the Church of the Holy Shitters.  Time for Poop John the 2nd to take over.  He’ll do a good job I think.  He grew up with ass-forward thinking and his whole life has been Shitty.  What a ride it’s been.  The Church is finally in a position to tackle the sanitation system.  That’s quite an accomplishment in just 10 years!  In some ways it seems like a blur.  In others it feels like an epoch journey.

As I grab my beer before heading to the backyard I glance down at my wrist watch.  I grin noticing the power indicator showing the system is already generating more power than using.  The smart grid is sending the excess to the utility.  Looks like another day of positive cash flow.  This has been happening more and more these days and I’ve also noticed that the switchover is occurring earlier in the day too.  Those power generating enhancements we’ve been making every year are certainly making a difference.  At this rate the repayment date for the government loans will arrive much sooner than 2035.  When that happens, if I’m still around, I’ll have a nice big fat check coming in every month to supplement my retirement.   Won’t that be nice.

Before I sit down at the picnic table I put up the umbrella.  The solar coated fabric instantly begins sending its own electric juice into the power grid.  Since scientists cracked the secret to nano power generation it has been amazing to see the array of new products on the market.  I simply love my Power-plus walking shoes.  The more I walk the more money I make.  That sure is an incentive to get off my butt!   Kids wearing them sure can generate a lot of power in a day’s time too.  The guy that thought about putting nano generators in carpet and tile sure hit it big time.  The Christmas shopping season generates more than good cheer these days!  I couldn’t believe it when I read that front-page article announcing for the first time that crowds at the midnight madness sales actually generated enough power to completely meet the electricity needs of the stores shoppers were shopping in.  The development and improvement of spray-on solar panels turned a myriad of products into electricity generators overnight too.  And let’s not forget the breakthrough when MIT scientists made solar panels from grass clippings.  Not long after that electricity-generating clothes  hit the market!  I knew this nation could do it.  Since the announcement of the “Energy New Deal by the President the pace of change has been astounding.

I sip my beer and glance down at Interbay.  Nestled between Queen Anne and Magnolia and home of the busiest train yard in all of Seattle, I think back to those foregone days when engines spewed noxious diesel fumes throughout the valley.  Now I admire the line of boxcars with solar panels, each contributing their own portion of electric power to the engine in front.  The longer the train the more power supplied to the engine.  The longer a car sits awaiting its cargo, the more power it stores up to be used by the locomotive.

English: Solar panels on a roof

I glance over at the residential district of Magnolia and notice the sea of solar paneled roofs.  Facing east their roofs generate most of their power during the morning hours.  I look up at our house and admire our own solar panels.  I am comforted knowing their perfect unobstructed southwest position with relation to the sun.  I know behind me virtually 100% of the houses in Queen Anne have the same panels on their roofs thanks to the government’s 100% loan program begun in 2018.  How smart it was to freeze utility bills at 2018 levels and reduce them by 50% of the value of the power generated by the solar system installed.   People realized immediate savings.  The ongoing utility payments plus the value of the other 50% credit for the electricity generated went to the government as repayment for the cost of the system.  A win/win for all parties concerned.  The utility companies sure fought hard to stop that program.  Once they readjusted to the new reality and realigned their business model they still survived in a smaller, leaner and cleaner configuration.  Just one of the many adjustments businesses had to make to come to grips with the Soft and Fluffy consumer mindset that emerged when the ass-forward way of thinking took hold.  Can’t wait until the full effects of this changeover are realized now that it’s being taught across the country in public schools.  We’ve only just begun to realize how Shitty our Shitty Way of Life can become!

I take another sip of my beer and open up my I-Pad 15.  I remember when I bought my first I-Pad 2 in 2011.  What a whirlwind this all has been.  I remind myself that even though I am no longer going to be Poop John the First I will now have time to actually make real progress on writing my memoirs.  I look down at the blank screen and type the words Mooban Rinthong.  It instantly is underlined in red by my I-Pad but I know I’ve spelled it correctly.  It’s the place where I first uttered anything about my idea of the Holy Shitters to another human being.  It was on that balcony at our townhouse in Thailand so many years ago.

 

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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