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Holiday Gift Selections from the Holy Shitters

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December 18, 2014 by John Crapper

 

Need a little help with innovative suggestions to complete your last minute holiday shopping? Do you have those hard to buy for friends that cause you to come up with zip for gift ideas. Well, the Church of the Holy Shitters is ready to assist with unusual gift ideas that surprise and put unique presents under the Christmas tree never before seen or contemplated.

When you are a nation in the deep throes of Consumer Diarrhea as exhibited by Black Friday and Cyber Monday, we feel a special obligation to draw your attention to these utilitarian gift choices. First, let me just share our number one gift choice for this season.

If you’re not putting crap in your cereal bowl each morning you’re simply not eating the best! Having trouble finding that perfect gift for the larger derrieres on your list. Poop John the First has the solution! American capitalist ingenuity offers you the Adjustable Advantage toilet seat. The seat handles up to 1,000 pounds and has two wings that expand out to either side to accommodate those over-sized posteriors. Plus it comes with a lifetime warranty.

Photo illustration courtesy of North Coast Medical, Inc.

Make sure all your wide friends on your shopping list are appreciated this holiday season! After all if you are not comfortable while doing it, it is hard to be a happy pooper. And, as always there is a wide selection to choose from too! Butt wait. For a limited time you can have two for the price of one.  Call today!

Hate that stink? Spray it away.

 

And finally, need a shitty pick me up in the morning? How about Civet coffee, brewed from the seeds of coffee berries after they’ve been eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet? It’s the most expensive coffee in the word.  Remember, if your coffee hasn’t past through a digestive track,  it’s not the best! And holy shit don’t you’re friends deserve the best.

On behalf of the Church of the Holy Shitters I would like to wish all poopers happy pooping this holiday season and a wonderfully shitty New Year! Let’s all raise our glasses this New Year’s Eve in appreciation for all the smart shits in our lives! Once again:

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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