December 11, 2014 by John Crapper
Written July, 15th, 2025 – Poop John the First Memoirs
It wasn’t long after the launch the the book The Holy Shitters that the shit really did hit the fan! The ever-increasing pressure from parishioners of the Church of the Holy Shitters between the years 2016 – 17 on the power elites in the country was immense. The meticulous marketing plan devised prior to the publication of the book The Holy Shitters payed off handsomely. It paved the way for it to go viral. Within 6 months disparate environmental organizations coalesced and rallied behind the concepts of the new consciousness espoused by the new Church. Suddenly large swaths of the population were looking at shit just a little differently and couldn’t be bullshitted anymore.
The Church forced economists to rethink their basic assumptions. The school of thought and the Keynesian school of thought were challenged by a new way of economic analysis. The Ass-forward, waste-end first, Soft and Fluffy economic theory continuously gained momentum and increasingly challenged old assumptions. Constant economic growth based on increases in consumption and consumer spending was questioned. Gross Domestic Product (GDP) was ridiculed as a misleading measure of a nation’s wealth. The new concept of Gross Renewable Energy Product (GREP) emerged as the favored way to look at wealth generation. It postulated that wealth be measured in terms of the energy needed to do things: the ability to grow crops, to make products, to move goods, to improve efficiency, to pass on information, to help others. The goal of an economic system, according to this economic theory, was to create more wealth by creating more energy from non-polluting renewable sources to enable mankind to do more with fewer resources and less pollution.
The shit really hit the fan during the lead up to the 2018 mid-term election. It was the biggest wave election in the history of the country. Gone were the climate change deniers. Gone were the mouthpieces for the fossil fuel industry. In their place were candidates who believed in the promise of the Shitty Way of Life.
In 2018 the President, bowing to public pressure, declared war during his State of the Union speech. This time it was not against a country or a mad dictator. Instead, for the first time in history a country declared war on a thing. The thing was our nation’s dependency on fossil fuel.
In announcing this declaration of war the President appealed to people’s sense of patriotism. People were more than willing to participate. They had demanded it in the first place. He announced his plan to launch an Energy New Deal and convened an emergency session of Congress to enact the necessary legislation and grant him the necessary executive powers. The goals of the program were to end our dependency on foreign oil and reduce our CO2 emissions to 350 ppm in 10 years.
Implementation of the “ass-forward commuting program was the first step taken. The program required all commuters to fill up their cars with passengers on their way to work to maximize vehicle load capacity. Almost overnight gas consumption dropped about 40%. Commute times were reduced by an average of 50% into all major cities. Rush hour traffic congestion was a thing of the past. Freeway expansion projects were scaled back to reflect the reduced traffic flows. People lamented for a while about their loss of private time while traveling to and from work, but the feeling quickly faded replaced by positive ones from not having to be behind the wheel each and every day. Very quickly car pooling commuting patterns emerged as the same people tended to catch rides with the same people each morning. This led to the formation of a commuting neighborhood community which fostered new friendships and human connections. Within six months it was hard to imagine going to work any other way.
The government also required trade-in of all gas-powered cars for all-electric ones within the ten-year time frame. A nationwide program to install rapid recharge electric outlets in all gas stations was begun. Similar to the ban on civilian car production during WWII, car manufacturers were ordered to immediately cease production of gas and diesel vehicles and concentrate exclusively on electric ones. Vehicle design improvements were restricted to being made in the areas of efficiency and safety only.
Research and development funding in all areas of non-polluting renewable energy sources were dramatically increased. At the same time nuclear fission electrical generation was scrapped due to the risks associated with its use and schedule was implemented for the systematic shut down of all existing nuclear power plants within the 10-year period. There were to be no more Fukushimas , Chernobyls, or Three Mile Islands.
A massive effort was launched to educate consumers on the hazards of consumer diarrhea and the negative impacts super consumption was having on the economy. Manufacturers were instructed to analyze their products from the waste-end perspective. As a result, whole areas of the economy such as plastic products and luxury lines were drastically reduced. The days of producing anything and everything that could possibly be sold for profit were gone forever. The concept of Soft and Fluffy Consumerism was promoted through all media outlets. Manufacturing and production were encouraged in non-polluting energy areas. Workers displaced during this massive restructuring were retrained to be employed in non-polluting renewable energy generating endeavors. Major efforts were made to produce products, grow food and buy everything locally. Long haul shipments were severely restricted. Products being imported from foreign locations were stopped if at all possible. The “made in China” label disappeared from the nation’s stores.
A compulsory national service program was launched requiring young people to serve their country for a minimum of 2 years. Its goals were to further efforts to transition the country away from fossil fuel and mitigate the effects of global warming. A huge thrust of the program was a massive reforestation program both in this country and overseas.
Nationwide, public school curriculum was updated to reflect the ass-forward way of thinking in the fields of economics, environmental studies, and psychology. Climate denial instruction was a thing of the past.
An Ecological Sanitation Summit was held bringing world experts in eco-san technology together to discuss and develop an action plan for the massive restructuring needed to change the way mankind was handling its waste. Transitioning sanitation systems from a flush away sewage treatment plant model to treating human excrement as a valuable resource promised to be a herculean effort. It would begin immediately after the Energy New Deal’s goals were met. Engineers immediately began work on the Salvation Head to replace individual toilets and the Salvation Headmaster to replace existing sewage treatment facilities.
Six months ago the Ecological Sanitation Program (ESP) was officially launched on a massive scale.
Category Climate Change, Environment, Religion | Tags: ass- forward, ass-backward thinking, ass-forward thinking, capitalism, Climate Change, Commuting, consumer diarrhea, Consumerism, Ecological sanitation, Energy, Energy New Deal, Environment, Fossil fuel, Global Warming, Holy Shitters, our religion, overpoopulation, overpopulation, psychology, religion, Sacraments, Sanitation, Shitty Way of Life, Soft and Fluffy Consumerism, Super-consumerism, Sustainable energy, thinking