May 28, 2015 by John Crapper
Ever gotten a gift that just sucks? I mean it really stinks. My brother, of all people, gave as a wedding gift a hot dog bun warmer to my wife and I. I really didn’t know what to say about this thoughtful gift. Needless to say we’re not that close.
On another occasion we received a huge ugly Plaster of Paris horse head as a X-mas present. The Russian couple we received it from stared right at us as we opened the monstrosity and feigned delight at having received it.
I guess the silver lining is neither one of us ever forgot receiving these gifts. They were forever etched in our brains not to end up in the dust bin of forgotten OK gifts one has received over the years.
Now there is help for people who find themselves searching for the right gift to give that hard to buy for friend, boss or family member. Look no further than the Church of the Holy Shitters to assist with unusual gift ideas that surprise.
For the health enthusiast:
If you’re friend is not putting crap in their cereal bowl each morning they’re simply not eating the best!
For the bulkier ones in your midst:
Having trouble finding that perfect gift for the larger derrieres on your list. Poop John the First has the solution! American capitalist ingenuity offers you the Adjustable Advantage toilet seat. The seat handles up to 1,000 pounds and has two wings that expand out to either side to accommodate those over-sized posteriors. Plus it comes with a lifetime warranty.
Make sure all your wide friends are appreciated! After all if you are not comfortable while doing it, it is hard to be a happy pooper. And, as always there is a wide selection to choose from too!
For the stinkier ones:
Hate that stink? Spray it away.
And for the sleepy ones:
Need a shitty pick me up in the morning? How about Civet coffee, brewed from the seeds of coffee berries after they’ve been eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet? It’s the most expensive coffee in the word. Remember, if your coffee hasn’t past through a digestive track it’s not the best! And holy shit don’t you’re friends deserve the best.
To add to this list, the other day, I came upon a company offering a very distinctfull gift. The company is called Shitsenders. They will send your friend or enemy a fresh helping of some of the nastiest and stinkiest brown stuff you have ever seen.
From their website:
Looking for a great gag gift? Has some one really pissed you off? Don’t get mad, GET EVEN. Send that special some one a big stinky pile of shit. GUARANTEED ANONYMOUS
We will send your friend or enemy a healthy helping of some of the nastiest, stinkiest, fresh shit packages you have ever seen. We have several varieties of shit that we can send, including a special shit of the month. Go to the order page to see what’s on special this month.
They have a top ten list of reasons to send someone a package to help hasten your gift purchases and shorten your shopping list. They are:
To your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend
Neighbors pet crapping on your lawn
For your mean boss
For a salesperson or mechanic that ripped you off
A Last minute gift for some one who has everything
A gag gift
For a rich gloating friend, to knock them down a peg
To the teacher that gave your son/daughter a D
Some one left you negative feedback on your auction
You just don’t like them
To assure you they are a legitimate concern providing a much needed service they offer numerous testimonials from their “satisfied” shitty customers. Here are a couple examples:
I sent a pile of shit to my neighbor that lets her dog shit in everybody’s yard. She must have gotten the message because now she carries a plastic bag around with her and actually cleans up after the dog. She never did that before. Thanks for a job well done. Mary – San Francisco, CA
I was passed over for a promotion at work about a month ago for a young single girl with 1/2 my experience by a boss 1/2 my age. He’s the know it all type and she’s a big flirt. This has been bothering me ever since it happened. Once I found your site I wasted no time in ordering the biggest pile of shit I could get. It was so satisfying to see him open that overnight envelope in view of about 6 other employees and that big bag of cow shit hit his desk. Everyone that saw it got a big giggle at his expense while his face turned red. Thanks shitsenders your right revenge is sweet. J.W.P. – Phoenix, AZ
I’ve been making my list and checking it twice. By its length I think this company is going to be highly successful. If they ever go public I’m going to buy stock.
Please note: The Church of the Holy Shitters is not connected in any way financially to any of the above companies or their products.