May 4, 2017 by John Crapper
Sometimes a person just wants a break
from all the crap coming their way.
Today is that day for me.
So just for fun and relief I offer the following:
Health Alert: Our President is suffering from a disease called Thought Constipation Syndrome. Treatment should be sought immediately.
Need proof? Review the following and reach your own conclusion.
These are the common symptoms of Thought Constipation Syndrome (TCS).
1. Narrow mindedness: The individual will repeatedly offer the same simple answer for numerous complex problems under discussion.
2. Blatant prejudice: Large segments of mankind will be categorized as inferior, doomed to damnation or unfit because of a different color of skin or a different belief.
3. Constantly displaying a “know it all” attitude: The individual will be obsessed with a compulsive need to convince you to their way of thinking.
4. Constantly resorting to personal attacks in an attempt to win arguments: “If you think like that you’re just a loser.”
5. Claiming to have had a life-changing spiritual experience: “I saw the light when I accepted Him as my savior and into my life.”
Note: Treatment should be sought if 3 or more symptoms are being exhibited by the patient on a regular basis.
The appropriate treatment for this condition is the administration of a Thought Mitigating Enema (TME). The use of TME for treating TCS is fairly new and a delicate procedure to administer. It is important, therefore, to have the procedure done at a Holy Shitters authorized clinic. The Brains for Shit (BS) Institute currently is the only authorized administrator of the Thought Mitigating Enema. It must be performed by a licensed Shitologist specially trained in the procedure.
In general the procedure consists of the following. The Shitologist will first perform a Shitty Thought Scan (ST Scan) similar to the much more familiar CT Scan to determine the severity of the thought constipation. Once this is determined a Thought Mitigating Enema (TME) will be scheduled.
The night before the scheduled procedure the patient will be instructed to do the required prep. This involves the self-administration of a fleets enema in order to clear the anal canal and intestines of fecal matter so the TME tube can be more easily inserted.
After the patient is sedated a tube will be carefully inserted through the rectum and anal canal all the way to the brain. Once complete the Shitologist will next insert the blowout preventer electrode. This electrode is specially designed to monitor bullshit extraction and guard against the inadvertent removal of valid thoughts to prevent the patient emerging from the procedure not knowing their ass from a hole in the ground. Once this electrode is in place and functioning properly, the Shitologist will begin to administer the Bullshit Memory Release Injection or (BMRI). This injection consists of a special formula designed to flush ass-backward thinking (more commonly referred to as bullshit) out of a person’s brain to be expelled out through the anal canal.
Once the shitty thought extraction is complete the practitioner will perform a second Shitty Thought (ST) scan to determine the amount of open-mindedness space created from the bullshit extraction process.
Next, the Shitologist will insert a semipermeable reverse assmosis membrane through which the truth, but not the bullshit may more easily pass.
After the procedure an Ass-forward Thought Counselor or AFT Counselor will meet with the patient to set up outpatient ass-forward thinking training sessions to equip the patient with strategies to avoid a relapse of the syndrome. During counseling sessions the AFT Counselor will educate the patient about the Shitloop Cycle and the Sacrament of Holy Shitting. The goal is to increase the number of smart shits and minimize the frequency of dumb shits to prevent the reemergence of bullshit into the person’s mind and a reoccurrence of Thought Constipation Syndrome (TCS).