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  1. Wealth Defined in Quality of Life Terms

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    September 28, 2017 by John Crapper

     

    What is wealth? Is it having a lot of money in the bank, owning a lot of stocks and bonds, holding the deed to numerous properties or owning vast swaths of land? I don’t think so.  When you think about it wealth is really the ability to do things: the ability to grow crops, to make products, to move goods, to improve efficiency, to pass on information, to help others. But it is much more than that in my opinion. It seems to me that wealth is intrinsically tied into the concept of the quality of one’s life too. You can have a shitload of all of the above but if you aren’t happy and content with your lot in life are you really wealthy?  I don’t think so.

    screen-shot-2016-11-18-at-4-25-24-pm

    Growth isn’t always good.

    Economists are always talking about growth.  Growth in sales, GDP, or stock prices. They also usually speak of wealth in terms of production of goods and services and consumption of those goods and services. This is largely what constitutes the Gross Domestic Product of a country. Stock brokers value wealth in terms of the price of stocks and the value of one’s portfolio.

    But I ask you.  When a person consumes something, isn’t that a measure of ones’s wealth being drained rather than being added to? I know when my cupboard is bare and I have to go to the store to re-provision myself I come home with less cash in my pocket. From a personal standpoint, production and consumption seem to be poor measures of wealth.

    Let’s go back to my original statement on the definition of wealth.  What is the most important thing to have to be able to do anything? The obvious answer is money, right?  Absolutely wrong! Money is not even close to being the right answer to this question. This is the ass-backward way of thinking that our capitalist culture brainwashes us into believing is correct logic.

    Which source of energy keeps the air clean?

    Which source of energy keeps the air clean?

    Before answering this question I want you to do a little Church of the Holy Shittters experiment for me. Take a plastic bag and put it tightly over your head. Leave it there for 1 minute. After time has expired remove the bag. Did you find yourself gulping in air in a semi-frantic fashion? Now you have your answer to the question. There is a saying among asthmatics. “When you can’t breathe nothing else matters. It sort of inhibits a person’s ability to do things. It is kind of important for “quality of life”.

    Quality of life is, in my opinion, the most basic standard of measurement to determine what constitutes wealth. Remember the saying “you can’t take it with you”.

    Now that you’re a little wiser with regard to real wealth what do you think is the second thing needed? Did you answer water?

    screen-shot-2016-11-18-at-5-54-41-pm

    If you did you’re on the right track to being very rich. How about the third thing? Did you answer food?

    screen-shot-2016-11-18-at-5-56-21-pm

    You’re going to be a millionaire before you know it. Now that you’ve got the hang of things your probably ready to provide the next answers of food, shelter and clothing (in that order) all by yourself. And to round out the definition of wealth as defined by the Church of the Holy Shitters we throw in good health as the last but not least component. If you have all these things  you can have a very good “quality of life” and therefore are a wealthy person.

    Ultimately all wealth comes from nature. We consume something from nature by using energy. Ultimately all energy comes from the sun.

    screen-shot-2016-11-18-at-6-01-01-pm

    Consuming inherently involves acquiring and using different things found on Earth. Consumption also involves altering whatever it is we are consuming to get what we need from the substance.

    screen-shot-2016-11-18-at-6-02-32-pm

    Nature operates in a circular path. There are many (life/death, eat/sleep, eat/poop etc). It is a system of self-perpetuating circles optimally in balance with each other. When the balance within a circle or between circles is disturbed nature will take steps to correct the imbalance. This is the concept that “everything is related to everything else in our universe”. It is the concept that all things return to the Earth in some fashion after consumption. If they return in a natural (within the circle) state there is no problem. If they cycle back in an unnatural state there is a problem.

    All of this may sound very simplistic and it is meant to be. As humans we tend to over-complicate things and loose sight of what is really important; what is the truth; what is the essence of an issue. This is especially true when it comes to our conception of wealth. We complicate it, obscure it, and confuse it because of our super-consumer diarrhea mindset.

    Let me point out just a few examples of just how brainwashed and ass-backward society’s thinking is in this regard.

    screen-shot-2016-11-18-at-6-06-37-pm

    1. It is well known that some of the richest farmland is located at the alluvial fans (deltas) of rivers. Yet at the mouth of all major rivers around the world you see major cities. Cities are not where we grow food. How much more prime agricultural land can be taken for houses and office buildings? How much more can the food circle take?

    2. If you put a tailpipe into the passenger area of a vehicle, sit in it with the windows rolled up and start the engine you will die from lack of good air to breathe. It is a well-known way to commit suicide. How many more vehicles are there on the world’s roads since the turn of the century? Isn’t the Earth one big passenger area? How many more tailpipes can the air circle take?

    3. We use water to clean ourselves and our things. How many more cars, dishes, laundry loads can be asked of the water circle?

    Soft and fluffy consumerism preached by the Church of the Holy Shitters offers a new prism to analyze our consumption as it relates to our environment.

    Consumption in and of itself is not bad.

    Consumer diarrhea is!

     

     

     

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  2. What is Wealth? Simply put…..

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    September 11, 2014 by John Crapper

    What is wealth? When you think about it wealth is really the ability to do things: the ability to grow crops, to make products, to move goods, to improve efficiency, to pass on information, to help others. But it is much more than that in my opinion. It seems to me that wealth is intrinsically tied into the concept of the quality of one’s life too. You can have a shitload of money but if you can’t do anything with the cash it doesn’t do you much good.

    Economists usually speak of wealth in terms of production of goods and services and consumption of those goods and services. This is largely what constitutes the Gross Domestic Product of a country. Stock brokers value wealth in terms of the price of stocks and the value of one’s portfolio. But when a person consumes something isn’t that a measure of ones’s wealth being drained rather than added to? I know when my cupboard is bare and I have to go to the store to re-provision myself I come home with less cash in my pocket. Production and consumption seem to be poor measures of wealth.

    Let’s go back to my original statement on the definition of wealth.  What is the most important thing to have to be able to do anything? The obvious answer is money, right?  Absolutely wrong! Money is not even close to being the right answer to this question. This is the ass-backward way of thinking our capitalist culture brainwashes us into believing is the answer.

    Before answering this question I want you to do a little Church of the Holy Shittters experiment for me. Take a plastic bag and put it tightly over your head. Leave it there for 1 minute. After time has expired remove the bag. Do you find yourself gulping in air in a semi-frantic fashion? Now you have your answer to the question. There is a saying among asthmatics. “When you can’t breathe nothing else matters. It sort of inhibits a person’s ability to do things. It is kind of important for “quality of life”. It is, in my opinion, the most basic measurement of what constitutes wealth. Remember the saying “you can’t take it with you”.

    Now that you’re a little wiser with regard to real wealth what do you think is the second thing needed? Did you answer water? If you did you’re on the right track to being very rich. How about the third thing? Did you answer food? You’re going to be a millionaire before you know it. Now that you’ve got the hang of things your probably ready to provide the next answers of food, shelter and clothing (in that order) all by yourself. And to round out the definition of wealth as defined by the Church of the Holy Shitters we throw in good health as the last but not least component. If you have all these things  you can have a very good “quality of life” and therefore have wealth.

    Ultimately all wealth comes from nature. We consume something from nature by using energy. Ultimately all energy comes from the sun. Consuming inherently involves acquiring and using different things found on Earth. Consumption also involves altering whatever it is we are consuming to get what we need from the substance.

    Nature operates in a circular path. There are many (life/death, eat/sleep, eat/poop etc). It is a system of self-perpetuating circles optimally in balance with each other. When the balance within a circle or between circles is disturbed nature will take steps to correct the imbalance. This is the concept that “everything is related to everything else in our universe”. It is the concept that all things return to the Earth in some fashion after consumption. If they return in a natural (within the circle) state there is no problem. If they cycle back in an unnatural state there is a problem.

    All of this may sound very simplistic and it is meant to be. As humans we tend to over-complicate things and loose sight of what is really important; what is the truth; what is the essence of an issue. This is especially true when it comes to our conception of wealth. We complicate it, obscure it, and confuse it because of our super-consumer diarrhea mindset.

    Let me point out just a few examples of just how brainwashed and ass-backward society’s thinking is in this regard.

    1. It is well known that some of the richest farmland is located at the alluvial fans (deltas) of rivers. Yet at the mouth of all major rivers around the world you see major cities. Cities are not where we grow food. How much more prime agricultural land can be taken for houses and office buildings? How much more can the food circle take?

    2. If you put a tailpipe into the passenger area of a vehicle, sit in it with the windows rolled up and start the engine you will die from lack of good air to breathe. It is a well-known way to commit suicide. How many more vehicles are there on the world’s roads since the turn of the century? Isn’t the Earth one big passenger area? How many more tailpipes can the air circle take?

    3. We use water to clean ourselves and our things. How many more cars, dishes, laundry loads can be asked of the water circle?

    Soft and Fluffy consumerism preached by the Church of the Holy Shitters offers a new prism to analyze our consumption as it relates to our environment.

    Consumption in and of itself is not bad. Consumer diarrhea is.

    ***

    There is an event in New York coming up September 23, 2014 in New York City. It is UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon’s Climate Summit where he’s bringing together world leaders, from government, finance, business and civil society asking them to take meaningful steps to redefine our relationship with the earth and correct the negative effects of climate change.

    In connection with that Climate Summit a People’s Climate March is planned on September 21, 2014.

    Sign up For the People’s Climate March Now!

    New York City, Sunday, September 21

    10516849_1457572994493679_8105942018734494795_n

    Tens of thousands are expected to march in New York City and over 700 groups and organizations are participating.

    Let’s make September a game-changer for the climate movement. Sign up now for a bus, train, or ride shares (or volunteer transport.) Individuals, campuses, churches and organizations are registering to host marchers.

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  3. Our Ego and Our Environment

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    September 4, 2014 by John Crapper

    Too much ego can lead to:

    1. Arrogance, selfishness, greed, a sense of entitlement to whatever one wants. This leads to serious ends/means problems: such a person feels entitled to do whatever it takes to get what s/he wants. This leads to abuses of ends/means reasoning.

    2. Intellectual arrogance: being too sure that one is right in what one believes. This tends to lead one to feel justified in doing whatever it takes to achieve one’s goals. It elbows out any humility that might lead one to ask whether it was right to harm people for one’s goals.

    Too little ego can lead to:

    1. excessive conformity, even servility, because one does not believe that one’s own opinions are worth standing up for. It is very hard to have integrity if one has no respect for one’s moral identity or for the kind of person one believes one is.

    2. doing evil to assert to the world that one exists, that one should be paid attention to.

    3. a need to show that one is superior to another by showing that one has power over him or her.

    Ann Druyan: American author and media producer.

    Ann Druyan said

    “A lot of people have this ego need that makes them want to believe that Earth is the center of the universe and humans are the most important species, the supreme expression of creation.”

    Rev. Dr. Sandra TePoel, Msc.D. writes in her blog Thinking from the Heart the following:

    Among the pressures driving our dissatisfaction is the rise of marketing. Marketers have made fortunes for the businesses they serve by convincing the world that everyone needs their products or services in order to; be sexier, be happier, have more fun, keep up with others, and demonstrate their success. Unlike advertising, which helps you find what you need, marketing caters to the ego. The ego wants to be special; to have at least what others have, and preferably more. Marketers understand the desires of the ego and know how to push ones buttons without regard for individual needs or capabilities. And so, fewer and fewer companies make more and more money, much of which they spend on lobbying to create the political environment that best serves their interests. We call these systems capitalism and democracy, and lost in our egoistic ways, we think they represent the best systems for the rest of the world to follow. While these problems are substantial, there may be an even bigger problem with man’s ego-centered approach to life. In his zeal to solve medical mysteries, provide cheap energy, end world hunger, and improve daily life, he has rushed into sciences he barely understands. This lack of understanding has steadily depleted the ozone layer, led to earthquakes from fracking for natural gas, poisoned millions of people with radiation, created droughts in some places and floods in others, and led to wars over natural resources and the attendant loss of many lives. As man works to solve the problems of the world he seems to be creating even bigger problems. The biggest problem may be the tunnel vision that has developed as a result of greed. The wheels of our current science are lubricated with money. Given a choice between money and responsible use of earth’s resources, money usually prevails. All people share in this problem as co-conspirators until such a time as we are ready to exert our collective will to make change happen.

    The greatest change of all must be the relationship between man and his ego. As long as man allows himself to be convinced of his specialness, he will continue to commodify, abuse, and destroy the world around him because he fails to see its relationship to himself.

    “Save the Planet” is the most blatant egotistical statement being uttered regarding man’s current perspective regarding their relation to the world.

    As members of the Church of the Holy Shitters we know it is not possible for us to “Save the Planet”. With a little humility we just might be able to save ourselves, however.

    There is an event coming up that allows us to voice our concern for our communal future. If you participate it will be good for your ego too!

     

    Sign up For the People’s Climate March Now!

    New York City, Sunday, September 21

     

    Have you signed up yet to participate in the Peoples’ Climate March? The September 21 March is being held two days before the UN Climate Summit, where government and corporate leaders will convene to discuss taking action to address climate change. Tens of thousands are expected to march in New York City and over 700 groups and organizations are participating. Let’s make September a game-changer for the climate movement. Sign up now for a bus, train, or ride shares (or volunteer transport.) Individuals, campuses, churches and organizations are registering to host marchers.

     


     

    Sign up here!!! –> People’s Climate March

     


     

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  4. The Ass-backward RV

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    July 17, 2014 by John Crapper

    There is no more perfect an example of ass-backward super-consumerism than the American recreational vehicle better known as the RV. Averaging roughly 4-18 miles per gallon these behemoths of the road attest to the conspicuous super-consuming spoiled tourist encouraged and admired in this country.

    You see them every day of the summer on our nation’s freeways and highways. The mobile home on wheels with the car or truck and dirt bikes in tow. It is the “don’t leave home without it” ideal summer vacation aspired to in the good old USA!

    The recreational vehicle industry symbolize everything wrong with the United States of America’s energy policy.

     

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    There have been some vain attempts in the industry to make these gas guzzlers a little more efficient but not nearly enough in my opinion.

     

    In 2008 Freightliner introduced the first ever fuel/electric hybrid motorhome chasses at the RVDA trade show in Louisville called the “EcoFred”. Informal tests have shown fuel mileage gains in the range of 7-19% vs diesel only and perhaps as much as 42% vs a gas engine coach.

    During the summer of 2009,Brad and Amy Herzog, spokespeople for the Recreational Vehicle Industry Association (RVIA, used a Winnebago motorhome equipped with a eco-Fred chassis

    The Herzogs had this to say about the concept vehicle:

    “I’m thrilled to be driving this concept hybrid RV from Winnebago Industries,” said Herzog. “There are many ways in which RVing teaches Earth-friendly lessons — just by doing things like visiting natural wonders, shopping at farmers’ markets and reducing consumption and home energy use. But the Adventurer hybrid is an exciting step forward in the industry’s green initiatives. I’ve always reduced the RV vacation advantage to four Fs — fun, family, flexibility and financial savings. But now I can add a fifth — facing the future.”

    Now that quote is one of the best examples of cogniitive dissonance I’ve ever encountered. Not sure what future he’s facing or what drugs he’s been taking to be able to see that future but it looks nothing like the one I’m seeing. Just makes me want to say Holy Shit!
    This is the end of the road for this diary. I wish it was the end of the road for RV’s instead.

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  5. SkyMall Shopping – Spying & Escape

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    May 22, 2014 by John Crapper

    This is the information age and super-consumers need more than others. They have a compelling need to know and SkyMall is ready to fulfill that need.

    Got a few associates giving you trouble and wanting to get them to see things your way? Need to find out a secret about somebody rich so you can extract a few “silencing” payments? Need to secretly record a conversation to obtain competitive secrets? When bribery or blackmail time comes you’ll be glad you have your top secret 8GB multifunction password protected video pen. It’s the easiest, stealthiest way to capture the event!

    Want to capture that cheating husband or wife! Want to find out what your best friend’s wife looks like naked? Want to capture those private, secret conversations that only take place during intimate moments in the privacy of someone’s bedroom? All these opportunities to eavesdrop, blackmail or conduct private eye surveillance are now possible with the video surveillance clock offering a 4GB capacity that stores up to six hours of AVI Video. Finally a clock that tells and shows you more than time!

    Still another way to monitor unsuspectingly those in need of surveillance is with the Stealth DVR camera disquised as a standard motion detector.

    Need a way to sneak out of the house late at night undetected? Your 2 or 3 story escape ladder can solve this problem. Your parents need never know and if through bad luck your escapades are discovered they will still be proud of you for using a reliable and safe way to escape.

    Running Away Made Safe and Easy!

    When your intentions are to hide your true intent SkyMall offers what you need to conceal your motives or action!

    ***********

    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world. The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem. Consumption is inescapable for survival. Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services. Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy. It is a terrible system to conserve. We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide. It is not sustainable. As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism. This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product. What we buy and how we spend our money matters! For more detailed discussion of this issue please read this article on decrapulation.

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  6. SkyMall – Storage

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    May 1, 2014 by John Crapper

    The ideas just keep on coming when you shop at SkyMall.  There are hundreds of new products being introduced every day. Consumer diarrhea suffering shopaholics can scratch every consumer itch.   The problem is after  you purchase all this shit, crap accumulation becomes a real problem.  Crap accumulators need crap accumulation storage devices.  Stacks and Stacks is ready to assist.  Crap accumulation has never been easier.

    Consider purchasing Stacks and Stacks Compact 12-Tote Home Organizer system. It does the trick for just $110.00.  You’ll be able to store mountains of crap and have great fun trying to figure out which box contains which crap.  Make it a fun game the whole family can play.  Guess which box which crap is in!

    Got a lot of crap to file? Stacks and Stacks File-Box Mini-Warehouse is the perfect solution.

    Never be burdened with deciding which paper to save and which one to throw away.  Just keep them all and keep them forever.  You never have to worry about where that piece of paper is.  It’s in that huge file box mini warehouse.

    Have a burning desire to clutter the hallway?  Be the proud owner of Stacks and Stacks Hall Storage Bench complete with baskets.

    These benches are specially designed for stacking more crap on top in the convenient full-length bench top trays.  Plus an added bonus is the easy to stub your toe legs at the bottom of each bench!

    In need of more couch potato storage? Stacks and Stacks 4-tray Storage Ottoman again is the perfect solution.

    Need more crap paper at your fingertips? For $29.95 your problem is solved.

    When that other kind of diarrhea strikes and you have the runs you need never run out of crap paper again!

    In need of a crap carrying carryall?  Forget the old-fashioned backpack and step up to the wear it, roll it, ride it unique backpack featuring a deployable scooter.

    Need more space to store your  rock around the clock collection? Music crap collection was never easier. Line your walls and cram your corners with maximum rockability storage.

    Don’t have time to store crap acquired on the spur of the moment? Make sure you have the Tidy Tent instant storage unit for just such an emergency.  Provides a safe and convenient way to temporarily store all your last-minute purchases you know you don’t need but must have.

    Can also be used as an auxiliary camping tent crap storage unit when you are forced to pack the Hummer being towed behind the RV that is full of crap and need it emptied once reaching your destination and need a place to store it!

    When you’re not ready to decrapulate  and reject any notion of being a Soft and Fluffy Consumer, Stacks and Stacks stands ready to assist you in every way possible  to continue your super-consuming ways.

    ******

    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world.  The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem.  Consumption is inescapable for survival.   Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services.  Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy.  It is a terrible system to conserve.  We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide.  It is not sustainable.   As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product.  What we buy and how we spend our money matters!  For more detailed discussion of this issue please read this article on decrapulation.

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  7. SkyMall Shopping – Fitness/Sports/Pain Relief

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    January 30, 2014 by John Crapper

    I ask you to let your imagination fly for a while.  You’ve just boarded a flight going to a destination of your dreams.   If you have the inkling you can imagine you’re sitting in business or first class.  Might as well make the most of your imagination.  The seat belt sign has just been turned off and you’re cruising at 35,000 feet. 

    Since this is my diary you can’t have everything your way.  You happen to be sitting next to me. You reach for the Skymall catalogue in your seat pocket in front of you. You notice that I’m looking through my copy.  We strike up a conversation about one of the items for sale.   We quickly realize that both of us think shopping while cruising at 35,000 feet in a flying gas tank is the absolute best activity one can partake in as a credit card carrying red blooded all American. We quickly begin an in depth shopping spree for the duration of the flight.   For this segment of the flight we’re taking a look at the pampering options to choose from for ourselves.

    When it comes to trying to make your life healthy, active and pain free there is no equal to the choices available through SkyMall.  There are literally thousands to choose from to meet your every need.  Here are just a few to wet your appetite and loosen your wallet.

    Need an out of this world mobility experience? How about Orbitwheels? It’s a whole new way to get around . Helmet not included.

    Cruising on Orbitwheels while wearing Gravity Defyer footwear and there’s no telling where you might end up.

    For the total out of this world experience top off the experience by using our large Super Skate Sail for propulsion. Beam me up Scotty!

    After a long hike or walk don’t forget to unstink your shoes with the ultraviolet shoe deodorizer.

    Want to lead an active life while on the go? Need to multitask your way to fitness? Then the Streetsider could be your perfect solution.

    At the other end of the fitness spectrum when all you want to do is plop your fat ass down anywhere and take a load off you can do it with confidence using Sport Seat. Sport Seat weights just 28 ounces yet supports up to 300 pounds. Hell buy two and double your weight gaining plop down capacity.

    Don’t have enough padding in your butt to suit? Maybe you should acquire the all day protable gel seat to provide the extra cushion you need until your own grows big enough to provide the cushion and comfort you desire and deserve!

    For the ultimate couch potato feel good massage try one of these therapeutic massage chairs. First there is the Inada Sogno Dream Wave for only $7,799.00 or choose the world’s only rocking massage chair for a mere $5,999.00. Each come with free delivery and setup!

    Be the coolest couch potato around by inviting all your couch potato friends over to enjoy a movie experience of a lifetime when you surprise them with your inflatable movie screen.

    Couch potatoes need never get off their butts again to get a cold one. The remote control beverage cooler solves the problem.

    So much for getting off our butt or sitting on it.  How about when your hurting.  No self-respecting super-consumer would scrimp in this area for sure and with SkyMall the sky’s the limit!

    Suffering from dry eyes? For $49.95 this problem is solved with the dry eye relief kit.

    Got a companion headache? No problem. Again for $49.95 you can get relief with the Headache Relieving Wrap.

    No consumer diarrhea hypochondriac should leave home without their Infrared Pain Reliever. The pain of spending $159.95 pales in comparison to the relief you’ll get from swollen joints and tight muscles.

    Top off your pain relief treatment with the Back Max offering 7 different condiguaations for superb comfort. It can be yours for just $129.99.

    Need help relieving that tension after a long day at the office? Our patented Head and Eye Massager is the perfect answer.

    Use in combination with our Portable Infrared Sauna and sit back and say ahhhh to in-home relaxation.

    Melt away stress and tension and enter a state of euphoria with the TH3966 SomaWave Helmet.

    Do you have sore footsies? For only $159.95 you can be the proud owner of our deluxe Digital Massage Boots®. They work wonders to relieve fatigue and pain associated with poor circulation.

    If migraine relief is your thing but you hate the idea of popping pills you now have Migraine Magic® Plus massaging eye mask to provide relief in no time.

    Geeks need relief too and I am no exception.  After a hard day of punching keys I’m going to treat my hands to a little keyboard relief with the hand reflexology massager. You too could be a proud owner!  Buy one for yourself for just $119.95 or save time and buy two – one for each hand!

    ************

    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world.  The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem.  Consumption is inescapable for survival.   Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services.  Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy.  It is a terrible system to conserve.  We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide.  It is not sustainable.  As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product.  What we buy and how we spend our money matters!  For more detailed discussion of this issue please read this article on decrapulation.

     
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  8. SkyMall Shopping – Beauty and Personal Hygiene

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    January 16, 2014 by John Crapper

    As a super-consumer you know you are the most important being in the universe and when it concerns the way you look, smell and feel you will stop at nothing to put your best look forward.  SkyMall is ready to assist!

    Start your day in an illuminating rainbow of colors with the Magic showerhead showering you in 7 glorious colors.  It actually does nothing better in terms of cleanliness but mentally it just give you that “my shit doesn’t stink” start to the day!

    Need a little help with oral hygiene? Just in time there now is the Justin Beiber Brush Buddies Singing Toothbrush.  Even though no one else will see how hip you are you will know the truth.  You will exit each and every morning singing Beiber tunes while smiling those Beiber white teeth!

    Reduce fine lines, wrinkles and blemishes using The Diamond Tipped Microdermabrasion System.  After all diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

    Beiber’s music not doing anything for those pesky zits?  Here is a combination package hard to resist. Whiten your teeth and zap your zits at the same time using Tanda’s powerful beauty products. The blue light technology holds the secret to these amazing products!  Purchase both for under $250.00!

    Another pimple popper to choose from is the no!no! Skin professional pimple popper providing results in as little as 24 yours.  Yours for just $180.00 it will deliver 81% improvement in a day’s time.

    Have embarrassing peach fuzz or facial hair also? An additional $270.00 will equip you with the no!no! Hair.

    For more serious skin problems the DermaSeptic is highly effective fighting herpes, cold sores, warts and fever blisters by delivering antimicrobial silver ions directly to the infected site (99.95).

    Want to look brainy and have thicker hair at the same time while enjoying your favorite tunes.  Multi-task in style with the APRO2D iGrow Laser for just $695.00.

    If you don’t care about music opt for the iRestore version for $599.00.

    For the budget minded the X-5 Hair Laser for just $199.00 is the perfect solution.

    Need a quick fake hair fix before your iRestore, iGrow or X-5 can show results? For just $21.95 Toppik will give you a full head of hair in just 30 seconds. Magnetized color matched fibers will instantly bond and blend with your existing hair and stay in place all day and night.  Use before visiting your hair stylist or barber and really get your money’s worth.  Plus it will freak the hell out of them!

    Having trouble getting your beauty sleep? You’ll be able to catch up once you have our unique blow-up SkyRest Travel Pillow®.  (Caution:  Sudden seat back movement from the person seated in front of you may cause sudden awakening.)

    Leg uP™  the inflatable leg support pillow helps you get the rest you need in your hotel after your plane lands just in case you didn’t catch enough zzzees on the plane with the SkyRest® inflatable pillow.

    Looking for that special gift to bring home to the kids?   Want to get them something a little more scary than the Trevon Martin style hoodie?  Our animated shark and raptor hoodie is just the answer.  They’ll be no question in the eyes of the neighborhood watch person that your kids are up to no good and when the police investigate they’ll knew they were the aggressor for sure wearing these!

     

    Ladies, do you constantly fret over what to pack to impress when making business calls or meeting up with multiple lovers while on the road?  The Houdini 12 in 1 Black Dress does it all for any occasion and any figure. Houdini never looked this good!

    Finally, for our businessman on the road and needing something special after a hard day of making multiple business calls.  Looking forward to meeting up with your mistress?  Your sex life will need some fireworks.    Make your hotel room like the Fourth of July each and every night with the Fireworks in My Room with optional “BOOM” for $44.95.  Plus,  if you get caught with the device in your luggage when you return home to a suspicious wife it passes for a cool gift for the kid!

     
    ***********
    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world.  The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem.  Consumption is inescapable for survival.   Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services.  Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy.  It is a terrible system to conserve.  We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide.  It is not sustainable.  As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product.  What we buy and how we spend our money matters!  For more detailed discussion of this issue please read this article on decrapulation.
     
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  9. SkyMall Shopping – Dogs

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    January 2, 2014 by John Crapper

    There is nothing a super-consumer won’t do to provide comfort and convenience for their pets. Your Fido deserves the very best. SkyMall’s selection of canine accessories is unsurpassed.

    Let’s check just a few of the many items available to make your dog’s life worth living.

    First off let’s get Fido relaxed.  There is nothing more distressing than the sight of  a dog stressing from all the pressures of their dog eat dog world?  The perfect solution is the Thundershirt providing calming pressure to sooth and calm.

    Next let’s get your canine friend trained to poop in the right place!  No reason your dog should crap out the entire lawn.  With this dog training device you can quickly train your puppy to use a designated area.  Place the block down and watch it draw your pet (along with all the other pets in the neighborhood) like a magnet with its special scent that is irresistible to both male and female dogs.

    For the couch potato who can’t be bothered to walk the dog the Porch Potty is the perfect solution. Throw in the scented fire hydrant and you may never have to step outside with Fido again!

    Having trouble keeping your dog in bounds? The PetSafe®  Wireless Receiver Collar keeps Fido trapped in up to a 3/4 acre area. And remember if it’s PetSafe® it’s also safe to strap on your Alzheimer’s dementia suffering relative to keep them safe from roaming the neighborhood too!

    PetSafe®  Bark Control Collars will likewise silence a yappy 4-legged pet or 2-legged relative in a safe and gentle fashion. You never have to listen to useless yapping again!

    Make sure your pooch can step up to the best seat in the house with PupSTEP Stairs.

    If your pet is too feeble to negotiate steps to reach couches and chairs the combination pet ramp and staircase is the perfect solution.

    Don’t like the idea of  your dog jumping on the furniture? PetSafe’s® Scatmat® teaches them good manners by gently prodding them off with low-voltage inducement. Having trouble with guests overstaying their welcome? Use ScatMat® to gently prod them into leaving too!  Yours for only $79.95.

    Why not give your dog its own couch more comfortable than the one you lay on!  Now you can with the Comfy Couch Dog Bed.  Yours for just $99.95!

    To give your dog a unique resting option how about a pair of matching PetCrate end tables complete with chew-proof metal bars. Buy the pair for a mere $500.00.

    Do your barkers just hate laying around in wet grass? Our elevated dog bed keeps them comfortable and dry.

    How about the Elevated Dog Bed with shade for extra luxury?

     Can’t stand the thought of not having your hound dog around to hound you?  Your problem is solved.
     
     

    PetSafe®  also offers a wide selection of dual function pet fountains. Use any of these all year long for your pets drinking pleasure. For that special Drunks Can Still Drink After They Drop party these fountains offer continued beverage access long after the ability to stand has been lost.

    Does your dog have halitosis breath? How about you?  That could be a real problem.  Fix the problem withTropiclean fresh-breath products. They will eliminate periodontal disease without the need for brushing in just 30 days!

    Because you love your dog you need to know your mutt’s lineage. Help answer this question with the Wisdom Panel® Insights ancestry report available for just $69.99.

    You’ve just about got your dog’s problems licked but you still need one more item.   Give a Lick! Receive a Lick!  Let your imagination run wild and give your dog a real treat (and maybe yourself) with LicketyStik®  Disclaimer:  LicketyStik® cannot be held liable for any injury due to bites.  Owner assumes ass risk.

    Damn, where is that bite training program?

    ************

    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world.  The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem.  Consumption is inescapable for survival.   Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services.  Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy.  It is a terrible system to conserve.  We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide.  It is not sustainable.   As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product.  What we buy and how we spend our money matters!  For more detailed discussion of this issue please read this article on decrapulation.

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  10. SkyMall – Cats

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    December 26, 2013 by John Crapper

     

    IMG_1134

    Our feline friends require very little extra to provide them with a comfortable and  fulfilled life.  That does not stop a super-consumer from searching for and buying items to improve their plight in life.  Your searching needs go no further than SkyMall.

    Most cat needs revolve around defecation functions.  Long gone are the days of the old fashioned litter box when all a person contemplated doing was filling a cardboard box with some litter, scooping it out once a week and replacing the litter every 2 to 3 weeks.  Now the wonders of capitalism and technology combine to offer the cat lover multiple options when confronting the problem of cat poop!

    First problem on the agenda for solving is training your cat to use what you want them to poop and pee into.    SkyMall’s potty training kit including  a step-by-step training video will “potty train your cat faster than most people can potty train their kids.”  Hell you might want to try it on the kids and see if it works with them!

     SkyMall Kitties

    Do you fret because of cat litter paws throughout the house.  Now there is paws for celebration.  With the Stikitty® Mat put an end to cat litter tracks.  The Stikitty® Mat comes with 20 sticky layers lasting up to 6 months.  Gook luck training all your cats to exit the box from the side with the mat!

    The pot for potty litter box conceals your feline functions in an attractive planter.  Plus if you turn the entrance toward the wall your guests will be puzzled by the litter odor emanating from a beautiful plant in the corner of the living room!

    Another creative alternative is the Kitty Washroom disguised as a handsome looking bathroom cabinet.  There is nothing more intimate and satisfying than pooping with your cat.  Plus when guests try to figure out where you’ve put the extra toilet paper they will get a big surprise!

    Just because you’re too lazy to change the litter box is no reason to smell it!  The  Automatic Litter Box System uses an innovative conveyor to transport your cat’s crap away into a container for easy disposal.

     

    Better still, let the Litter Robot™  do it for you!  This litter box automatically activates 7 minutes after your cat departs. Here’s the scoop  after you purchase this baby – no more scooping!  Your cat and you deserve this 24 hour self-cleaning litter box.  It’s yours for the low price of just $359.99!

    Finally, just to make sure your cat pees up a storm make sure they always have crisp, clean, filtered water to drink 24 hours a day.  Plus the 5 separate water streams provide your multiple pet household with private streams for each to drink from.   And if you’re so inclined they’ll be room for you to take a sip too!

    ******************

    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world.  The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem.  Consumption is inescapable for survival.   Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services.  Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy.  It is a terrible system to conserve.  We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide.  It is not sustainable.  As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product.  What we buy and how we spend our money matters!  For more detailed discussion of this issue please read this article on decrapulation.

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  11. Super-consumer Crap Accumulators

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    December 19, 2013 by John Crapper

    Typical Storage Unit

    Typical Storage Unit

    There is an industry that has sprung up that receives very little attention and yet speaks volumes about our lifestyle. People these days buy storage space to store more crap so they can buy more crap that they will end up storing. Marketers are busy creating ingenious new ways to store more crap in smaller spaces enabling consumers to continue to purchase more crap they will end up storing. It is an ass-backward conspicuous super-consuming circle of crap accumulation.

    Society has always had its hoarders. But in the 21st Century people are farming out their junk to the growing number of self-storage facilities. People are leaving their possessions in self-storage warehouses for longer than ever too. But why are people willing to pay to store stuff they rarely use?

    Public Storage storage hallway with storage un...

    It begins as a temporary solution. You load up the car with the old recliner, an old rug you can’t bring yourself to part with, old letters, bin bags full of clothes, Betamax tapes and your cherished back issues of National Geographic. Then it’s out of sight and out of mind.

    (more…)

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  12. SkyMall Shopping – Part 1

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    December 12, 2013 by John Crapper

    As Holy Shitters we strive to be soft and fluffy consumers which means we examine what we consume from a waste-end first analysis. We are aware of the super-consumer lifestyle that surrounds us and the system in place to promote and encourage consumption.  We recognize most people are sick from the disease of consumer diarrhea and willingly participate in the super-consuming lifestyle.

    The promotional system to promote consumption is all around us and bombards us every day with countless advertisements from every conceivable medium like TV, radio, magazines, newspapers, internet and direct mail. The buy message begins from the moment we get up, take a shower and eat our breakfast to the time we lay our heads on our pillows to go to sleep.  It is inescapable and often times its advertisements claims are bizarre and obnoxious.

    Take for example TV.  We are all familiar with the late night TV ads introducing us to a newly created dubiously useful product available for the first time for a limited time at a special price.  Call in the next 10 minutes and you’ll receive two of  (some crap) plus the added bonus of receiving absolutely free (other crap).  This is a blatant exhibition of our promotional super-consuming lifestyle.  It is bizarre, annoying and obnoxious to many.  It also is apparently very successful and profitable because you see these ads all the time.

    Another symbol of our super-consuming lifestyle is the SkyMall. You know what I’m talking about. You board your plane and get settled into your seat as best you can and reach for the “free copy” “flight time is the perfect time to shop” copy of your SkyMall magazine. You can also access SkyMall.com for FREE using Gogo® in-flight Wi-Fi. They’re adding hundreds of products each week!

    Since I just boarded my flight and am “comfortably” seated let’s just check out a few of the items available for purchase.    Nothing better while seated in a flying gas tank consuming copious amounts of fuel than shopping for dubiously useful products that consume copious amounts of resources.

    I think I’ll start first looking for gift ideas for our friends in Bangkok.  Let’s see what I can find.

    Wow!  This is a great idea:  the floor to ceiling shoe rack.  I wish I would have had one of these when living in Bangkok. How many times did I trip over all those shoes just inside the front door?  I’ll get one for every one of my friends!

    Holds up to 36 pairs yet only requires a 12-inch circle of floor space.  And for the extra short dudes on my list the pole adjusts to lower the top hanging pairs!

    Might as well throw in the deodorizer.  Don’t want that pole full of stinky shoes!

    Holy Shit, this really is a great time to shop!  Now that I’ve got the gifts its time to shop for myself.  My yard could sure use some help and I’d really like to make it stand out from the crowd.  Something unique and different so people really take notice.  I think I’ve just found some solutions.

    First, to scare the crap out of people as they walk by and  welcome visitors to our home I’ll place © “Bigfoot the Garden Yete” statue at the very front of the front yard walkway!

    Welcome!

    Just in case they still haven’t dropped a load in their britches,  I’ll place  ©”The Zombie of Montclaire Moors” statue  along the way.

    I might end up using it only for Halloween but I’ll buy it now and decide later.

    Look at these.  I’ve been wanting to spruce up our water feature but which one would be better?  The

    © “Catch of the Day” Bear Statue

    or

    Hell, I can’t decide now and the plane is starting its descent.  We’re being asked to put our tray tables and seat backs up!  I’ll just have to take this magazine with me and  finish shopping online at www.SkyMall.com or call them at 1-800-SkyMall.  No reason to panic.  I need time to study all these choices!

    You can expect the extraordinary from Toscano!

    But wait a minute.  I’ve still got time.  I know I want this.  Perfect way to say goodbye to family and friends.  Gotta have “The Peeing Boy of Brussels” Statue and Fountain.

    Nothing says PISS OFF better!

     
     Shop until you drop!
     
    ***
     
    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world.  The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem.  Consumption is inescapable for survival.   Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services.  Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy.  It is a terrible system to conserve.  We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide.  It is not sustainable.  As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product.  What we buy and how we spend our money matters!  For more detailed discussion of our consumptive habits please read my other articles.
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  13. Consumer Diarrhea – America’s Disease!

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    November 28, 2013 by John Crapper

     
     
     
     

    2008 – shoppers stampede a Walmart store which killed an employee and put a pregnant woman in the hospital.

     

    2011 – A woman pepper sprays 20 other customers in a Walmart to get at a crate of Xbox video games.

    A typical Wal-Mart discount department store i...

    Black Friday Sale!  Midnight Madness Sale!  Clearance Sale!  50% off Sale!  Buy now!  Limited time offer!  Blow Out Sale!  Liquidation Sale – all items must go!  Act now! Don’t Delay!  Shop til You Drop Sale!

    If you don’t get there in time it’s going to be gone.  Act now! Buy now!

    Coupon sales offered from online sites such as Groupon and LivingSocial delivering one-day savings of up to 80%!  Act now!  Buy now!

    Stores opening earlier and earlier during the all important holiday season. Act now!  Buy now!

    Not to be outdone small retailers offer Small Business Saturday to woo customers.  Act now! Buy now!

    Next up – Cyber Monday when online retailers put their wares on sale.  Act now!  Buy now!

    It is always a good time to buy and every day brings a new sale and every event brings a new buying opportunity.  Everything is for sale, everything is on sale and there is always an urgency in your need to act and act fast to take advantage.

    Consumers camping out for days suffering sleep deprivation and on edge.  Shoppers pushing and shoving to get into the store.  People being trampled to death in the rush of humanity to get to the deals.  People being punched,  shot and pepper sprayed to get to the bargains.

    The important thing is to BUY NOW!!!

    We suffer from a very dangerous disease in this country called consumer diarrhea.  Its symptoms are manifested most vividly on days such as Black Friday.  Its most blatant symptom is when a person becomes violent to satisfy the urge to purchase.  More subtle symptoms include the insatiable appetite a person exhibits to buy more stuff irregardless of need, tying your self-worth to the things you own and the “keep up with the Jones’ syndrome.

    Left untreated this disease could result in buying ourselves right out of existence!  It surely results in people buying a lot of unneccessary, unneeded CRAP!

    People with diarrhea can’t stop pooping.  People with consumer diarrhea can’t stop buying. It’s a sickness and needs serious treatment.

    The Church of the Holy Shitters offers treatment.  Recognizing the disease is the first step.  Achieving the state of “Soft and Fluffy” and practicing ass-forward waste-end first thinking on a day to day basis offers a cure.

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  14. Commandment #6 – A Closer Look

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    November 21, 2013 by John Crapper

    photo-2 2The Church of the Holy Shitters 10 Commandments

    #6  Thou shalt not buy unnecessary shit. 

    1. Thou shalt pursue the understanding of Shit.

    2. One who taketh a shit must giveth a shit.

    3. Thou shalt not act like your shit doesn’t stink.

    4. Thou shalt not poke one’s nose into other people’s shit.

    5. If thou hast nothing constructive to say than don’t say shit.

    6. Thou shalt not buy unnecessary shit.

    7. Thou shalt not giveth someone shit.

    8. Thou shalt conserve shit.

    9. Thou shalt not take other people’s shit.

    10. Thou shalt treat someone else’s shit the same way you would want your shit treated.

    “Capitalism is a great clearinghouse to efficiently produce anything that can possibly be produced which someone can be convinced to buy and do it for the best price. It is a terrible system to conserve anything.”
    (Shitbit by Poop John the First)

    Black Friday

    Walmart is kicking off Black Friday 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day — two hours earlier than last year, the company announced Tuesday.The retailer joins 9 others, including Target, Kmart and Best Buy, in opening its doors and starting Black Friday deals on Thanksgiving. It continues a recent industry trend of moving Black Friday earlier and earlier — ultimately to Thanksgiving Day. Chains are looking to squeeze more out of the hugely profitable holiday shopping season.

    Cyber Monday turns into Cyber week.

    More people, more consumers, more products, more consumption, more growth, more job creation, more people, more consumers, more products, more consumption, more growth in an endless cycle of escalation. In this constant growth circle the idea of conserving is completely lost.

    Up to now economic progress has been defined largely in terms of greater choice, more convenience, enhanced capabilities, enhanced power, greater comfort and less work and manual labor. There has been very little thought given to the waste end of capitalist production when making the decision to build or produce a product. Waste considerations have to date been given only to the end of usefulness side of the product cycle. When the product has reached the end of its usefulness, what should be done with it? What part can be recycled? What part do we send to the landfill? The mindset has been to invent, produce, market and sell first and only after the fact consider what to do with the waste result. The Church of the Holy Shitters considers this ass-backward thinking.

    We suffer from the disease the Church calls consumer diarrhea.  When you get sick you often get diarrhea.   When you are a sick consumer you get a disease we call consumer diarrhea. The two symptoms of this disease are copious energy use and super consumption.

    The symptoms of this disease start at an early age.  They are rooted in our values and closely tied to the way we are raised.

    Followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters aspire to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  Soft and Fluffy Consumerism is an ass-forward state of being for Holy Shitters.  As a Soft and Fluffy consumer we strive to be soft on our environment.  We contemplate fully the utility of producing, selling and buying each and every product with an eye on minimizing its drain on energy reserves and reducing its negative impact on our environment.  

    As a Soft and Fluffy consumer we also contemplate the waste end of those products we deem necessary to be produced, sold and purchased to ensure they disappear or fluffily fly away quickly to be reincorporated into our environment in a non-toxic reusable manner.

    The 6th commandment of Thou shalt not buy unnecessary shit specifically prohibits you from buying items and services that you don’t really need.

    Here is a Church of the Holy Shitters challenge. From an ass-forward, waste-first perspective, how much of what you see on the shelves of stores would be produced? If you really take the time to contemplate this challenge you will discover just how deeply rooted our ass-backward super consumer thinking is.

    Your practice of the Sacrament of Holy Shitting allows you to increase the number of Smart Shits ultimately leading to the ideal mental state of “Soft and Fluffy”.   The “Soft and Fluffy” state is the closest you can get to being in harmony with the universe and represents the ultimate state of self.  The closer you get to reaching this ultimate state the more accurately you can determine what is necessary versus what is unnecessary for you to buy.

    Striving to have a Smart Shit.

    Striving to have a Smart Shit.

    And please this holiday season remember our 6th commandment and don’t buy unnecessary shit.

     

     

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  15. Decrapulation

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    September 19, 2013 by John Crapper

    Decrapulation: The practice of not buying crap you don’t need and getting rid of crap you don’t use.

    Humans need a lot of stuff to live. The three big requirements for our survival are food, shelter and clothing. We depend on our economy to provide the consumer goods we need to meet these needs. These goods are made by the use of resources available to us that Earth provides. All good enough. Now, you say, tell me something I don’t know.

    The Church of the Holy Shitters believes we suffer from a disease in our society called consumer diarrhea. This basically involves the super-consumption by individuals of goods and services way beyond what is needed for survival. When this disease is taken to its extreme form it takes on a pathological condition know as compulsive hoarding.

    Compulsive hoarding in a private apartment

    Compulsive hoarding in a private apartment (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    Compulsive hoarding (or pathological collecting) is a pattern of behavior that is characterized by the excessive acquisition of and inability or unwillingness to discard large quantities of objects that would seemingly qualify as useless or without value. Society recognizes that this is a damaging condition for which treatment should be sought.

    Super-consumerism is a condition, not as pathological as compulsive hoarding, but much more pervasive throughout our society. Paul Ehrlich made reference to this aspect or our society in a talk he gave at the:

    INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE
    ON POPULATION AND DEVELOPMENT
    Cairo, 5 -13 September 1994
    TOO MANY RICH PEOPLE:
    Weighing Relative Burdens on the Planet

    The United States poses the most serious threat of all to human life support systems. It has a gigantic population, the third largest on Earth, more than a quarter of a billion people. Americans are superconsumers, and use inefficient technologies to feed their appetites. Each, on average, uses 11 kW of energy, twice as much as the average Japanese, more than three times as much as the average Spaniard, and over 100 times as much as an average Bangladeshi.

    Our Church extolls our members to be aware of this super-consuming tendency and take steps to correct it and ultimately live a life of Soft and Fluffy Consumerism. In order to achieve this goal there are strategies we recommend to assist you. We package these strategies and put them into a process we call decrapulation.

    When your body is constipated you take steps to get things flowing again. You will increase your intake of fiber, take a laxative, or in extreme cases you will resort to the use of the old-fashioned enema.

    I can still see my mom preparing the hot water bag and unwinding the hose in preparation leading up to that procedure. I can remember the call to come sit on the toilet and the shiver it would send up my spine. I will never forget the insertion of the nozzle and the warm bloating feeling as I sat on the commode while the bag emptied into my anus. Then the wait before you were given permission to evacuate. Then at last the release and the relief when that permission finally came to let it rip!

    But I digress. My point is when you have too much “stuff” inside your intestinal tract you take steps to relieve the pressure and reduce the “stuff” in order to bring the body back to a state of normalcy and regularity. We can draw lessons from this treatment and apply it to the treatment of the disease we call “consumer diarrhea”.

    Why do we buy and store so much stuff anyway? Chalk it up to evolution. “Humans seem to be wired to acquire belongings” says Tim Kasser, PhD), psychology chair at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. Dr. Kasser compares our tendency to acquire stuff to the obesity epidemic. He goes on to say:


    Humans need to eat fatty foods to survive – but now there’s a vending machine down every hallway and a convenience store on the corner. Similarly, we still have our innate desire to acquire belongings, but now there are stores on every block, our houses are large and we live in an economic system that depends on people consuming, which amplifies that feeling that consumption is good.

    He calls the urge to buy and own a kind of “retail therapy”. He explains that people like to shop and therefore it is used as a means to temporarily distract them from the stress in their lives. The trouble is it never really solves the underlying problems. You still have the problems but you also have more stuff!

    People also tend to attach a great deal of emotional value to the stuff they have that is completely out of proportion to its actual useful value in their lives. Thus they tend to hoard the stuff they have and it accumulates over time as they continue to buy more. They become more crapulated.

    Randy Frost, PhD, the co-author of Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things has developed a treatment program for hoarding. His lessons can be applied to decrapulation.

    Here are the steps he advises:

    To stop buying shit you don’t need:

    1. Stop buying and bringing home crap you don’t need.

    2. Remind yourself of all the reasons you don’t need or want the item.

    3. Divert yourself by doing something good for yourself like exercising, calling a friend.

    4. Enjoy it at the store but leave it at the store. You don’t need to buy it.

    5. Look don’t touch. Touching items is the first step to buying and owning.

    To get rid of shit you don’t use:

    1. Make a decluttering schedule.

    2. Prepare yourself emotionally to say goodbye to stuff. Don’t think too much about it.

    3. Set a timer for a block of time to declutter and stick to the task. Dr. Frost recommends 2 hours.

    4. Get rid of it if you don’t use it but you say:

          a. so-and-so gave it to me.
          b. but it’s one of a kind.
          c. but that’s from the time when….
          d. but I might need it.
          e. but it’s so gorgeous/pretty/attractive.

    When you start the process of decluttering get three bags. One for stuff you’re going to toss, one for items to donate and one for items you’re not sure about. As the bags full up take them out of the room you’re working on so you can see your progress.

    Practicing the strategies of decrapulation will aid you tremendously on your path to Soft and Fluffy Consumerism and to the full enlightenment, fulfillment and enjoyment of the Shitty Way of Life practiced by the members of the Church of the Holy Shitters.

     

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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