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  1. Stupid Old White People’s Action Patterns

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    October 26, 2017 by John Crapper

    Stupid old white people are out in force lately.  Their support helped get the Donald elected.

    With the election of Trump and the barrage of bad news  brought with it,  I just want to have fun so please indulge me. But before we proceed let me set the record straight right up front. I’m a 66 year old white male but I did not vote for Trump!

    I’m also an English as a Second Language teacher. I’ve been doing it for over twenty-five years. (retired now).

    screen-shot-2016-11-22-at-3-34-11-pmTeaching the language, I’m continually fascinated with the weird quirks and bizarreness found within it. For instance, why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Doesn’t make any sense. How come you can buy a complete chess set in a pawn shop? Doesn’t make any sense.

    I also find myself spending an inordinate amount of time thinking in creative ways regarding the language’s use. All language is a living, changing, dynamic process. What is acceptable language use today was not so 50 years ago. What will be acceptable language use 50 years from now, you can rest assured, will not resemble how we write and speak today.  We were recently made blatantly aware of this process during the campaign of the Trumpster.

    Realizing this, it is fun for me to be minutely involved in contributing to this morphing process and offer a little language change for future generations.  So without further ado let me introduce the newly minted acronym -SOWP.  I would suggest that this acronym applies to not only the Trumpeter but most of his supporters as well. Let me explain.

    Stupid Old White People

    As baby boomers age there are just a lot more older people around everywhere. And I’ve noticed a lot of people hovering around my age level acting in stupid ways.

    screen-shot-2016-11-22-at-3-54-11-pm

    How can you tell when you see a SOWP in action. They will typically enter a building and stand in the doorway and gawk around for about 10 to 15 seconds with mouth open, before entering. They will stand in the middle of an isle blocking both directions while they stare at cans or bottles on the shelf as if in a trance. They will tilt their heads back severely while looking up, mouth gaping open, in a vain attempt to peer through their bifocals to read product labels.

    When driving they are easily identified. First clue is the type of car they typically drive. You know the ones – old, big, gas guzzling relics from an age gone by.  SOWP drivers usually fall into two distinct categories – pedal to the metal or slow mo on the go! Both are wrecks waiting to happen.

    Turn signal use usually notifies other drivers of where they have just turned rather than where they will turn. Another typical turn signal practice is to signal turning left right before executing a right turn.

    SOWP fashion also falls into two distinct categories One is the “I just got out of bed and ate breakfast and half of it is on my shirt for later and I might reek of bacon – that’s why I put on so much perfume or cologne types. They have reached the age where they can be who they want to be.

    Then there are the “I’m as young as I look” group. The men look like disco daddies wearing their hunk a hunk of burning love muscle shirts, sadly without muscles, but plenty of gray hair, age spots and large blue veins. Adorning their bodies are usually gold chains. The women – shrink-wrapped barbie dolls wearing too much make-up, gaudy nail polish on ridiculously long fake nails, with bleach blonde hair driving around in convertibles scaring other drivers while believing all the stares they’re getting are because they still look hot.

    And then there is the SOWP  noise.  Why is it SOWPs are always snorting, sniffing, farting, grunting, moaning, groaning, belching and clicking without regard to the proximity of others?  They also incessantly clear their throat especially while on the phone. One endearing trait I’ve noticed in my neighborhood is a SOWP who routinely blows his nose while standing in the living room window but my wife always reminds me not to do this.

    Verbally SOWPs are extremely adept at making up shit. The line between truth and bullshit is very foggy for them.

    “You see that stick out over there hun?

    You know why they call it a stick out?

    Because it sticks out.”

    Well SOWP, if the shoe fits wear it. I’m guilty as charged. I’m a stupid old white person.

    The mind is the first thing to go but the mouth is the last thing to stop. (Shitbit by Poop John the First)

    Please note:  If you are so inclined to actually think you  white, are old and smart this acronym works for you too.

    SOWP – Smart Old White People

     

    old-people-holding-hands

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  2. What Does “Trump” Mean in British Slang?

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    October 19, 2017 by John Crapper

     

    A good friend sent me a message today and I went “Holy Shit”!   And when you’re Poop John the First of the Church of the Holy Shitters you can’t “pass” up an opportunity to “pass” this on to as many people as possible.

    As an English teacher I’m always on the lookout for unique ways English is used.  So it is with great pleasure – in fact I think it’s an absolute gas to “pass” this tidbit of information on to you   It’s really something worth “passing around” because it’s a “gas” – literally.

    Here it is:

    It is clear from this site that the verb to trump has been used extensively across Britain to refer to the breaking of wind. It is especially the case in the North, in Wales and certainly in Norfolk.

    • Over the centuries, fart has not been without linguistic rivals. Since the early fifteenth century, for example, trump has served as a synonym for fart, or rather to denote an especially noisy fart.

    (A Dictionary of Culinary Curiosities) by Mark Morton

    Trump:

    • Verb. To break wind from the anus, to ‘fart’. E.g.”There’s a disgusting smell in here. Has someone trumped?”

     

    • Noun. 1. An act of breaking wind. 2)The resulting smell of having broke wind from the anus, a ‘fart’.

    Please click picture!

    Since our last presidential election we’ve certainly had “an especially noisy fart” in the White House and he stinks to high heaven!

    I think it’s time for us to change our underwear!

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  3. Trumpty Dumpty

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    September 30, 2017 by John Crapper

    I ran across this and I like it.

    Trumpty Dumpty wanted to build a wall,

    Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall,

    All the wealthy republicans and all the white men

    Couldn’t put Trumpty in the White House again.

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  4. Shit is MIA and I Need Help Finding Him or Her

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    September 21, 2017 by John Crapper

    Shit, I know I’ve posted this before but ….sometimes I just like to unplug from all my problems. Humor is where I go.

    This week that’s what I want to do. Life has been throwing a lot of shit my way lately. You might be feeling it too.  Could have something to do with the direction of our government.  Might have something to do with this guy!

    My shit doesn't stink. Just ask me.

    My shit doesn’t stink. Just ask me.

     

    Screen Shot 2015-05-04 at 1.36.03 PM

    If you”re like me and want a break from dealing with all the shit in your life for a couple of minutes please read below.


    I don’t know Shit. I wish I did. I think knowing him is important. I’ve been told many times that I don’t know Shit and it’s kind of getting on my nerves.

    There are a lot of people in this world that do not know Shit either. With so many people around that don’t know Shit it really makes it harder for me.

    Where can I find Shit? Can you tell me? I understand if you’re one of those people that lose Shit all the time. I can’t even find Shit so you’re ahead of me.

    Sometimes people say I look like Shit. As I get older it happens to me more and more. The trouble is I hear people telling other people that look nothing like me that they look like Shit too. So that really confuses me.

    So since I’m really getting nowhere trying to look for Shit on my own I’ve decided to start an investigation and hire a professional. I’ve got to get to know this person. I have things I want to accomplish and we all know you can’t get ahead in this world if you don’t know Shit. So I’m on a quest to find him or her.

    That’s one of the reasons I’m posting this here. I figure if you guys don’t know Shit who does?

    So far my investigation hasn’t turned up Shit. It’s been really log jammed.

    I’m not even sure if Shit is this person’s last name or first. Working under the assumption it’s his last name the first could be Dip, Dumb, Smart, or Big. If it’s his first name then he could have a last name of Head, Hole, Forbrains, or Outofluck.

    Any help you could provide would be much appreciated. If you or anyone you know knows the whereabouts of Shit please advise.

    Once I get this guy located I’m making sure I don’t lose track of Shit again!

    Thanks for your help!

    We must look in every nook and cranny to crack the case! It’s a dirty job but somebody has got to do it!

     

    *

    UPDATE:  I received this unsourced report in my e-mail from a friend and have yet to determine the source.  (Let’s just say it’s from my private investigator but if anyone knows the source on this please let me know.  I take credit for writing the above inquiry but not what follows below.)  The spelling error in this report does give me cause for caution and suspicion I have actually found the person I’ve been searching for.


    WHO IS JACK SCHITT??????
         For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

       We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t  know Jack Schitt!’

        Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

        Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

        Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and  owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

        In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious  couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip  Schitt.

       Against  her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a  high school  dropout.  They had a son Tuff Schitt,  who grew up to be a radical union leader at the fertilizer company, Needeep N. Schitt.

       After  being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe  Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She  was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

       Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a  son with a  rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

      Two  of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were  inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

       The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

       The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

       Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

       He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian  bride, Pisa Schitt.  They had a son, Godda Schitt.

       Now  when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can  correct  them.

        Sincerely,

        Crock O. Schitt

        NOTE:  PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A  LAUGH.

        REMEMBER:  IF YOU DON’T, THEN YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO FULLA SCHITT OR GIVA SCHITT.

    P.S.  Thanks for reading.  I now return you to all the other crap happening in your life.  Have a wonderful day!

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  5. Cow Crap Line of Clothes Coming Soon

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    June 1, 2017 by John Crapper

    Holy Shit!  Cow crap clothes coming soon to a store near you!

     A fashion line has been created by a Dutch designer made from cow manure.  It is being billed as a line of clothes that can reduce water pollution and methane emissions.

    The idea was conceived by Jalila Essaidi, a designer and entrepreneur who was asked by government officials to help reduce excess animal waste in the Netherlands.

    The Netherlands has excess manure that pollutes their waterways with high levels of both nitrogen and phosphate and produces algae blooms that kill fish.

    Essaïdi’s patented technology removes cellulose and acids from cow dung and converts them into a biodegradable plastic called Mestic, after mest, the Dutch word for manure. Mestic can be made into paper, textiles, and other items, replacing petroleum-based products.

    “It is a chemical separation method which allows us careful control of the nutrient composition of both the solid and liquid fraction of manure,” Essaïdi wrote in an email. “The farmer keeps the liquid fraction which now meets his desired nitrogen and phosphate levels. We take the solid fraction.”

    Apparently the advantage of using cow dung is that because of its remnant digestive system it breaks down the cellulose saving time, money, and energy.

    There are some environmental concerns.  Dana Perls, senior food and technology campaigner at Friends of the Earth is concerned.

    “These experimental technologies need to be transparent, particularly before being rubber-stamped as sustainable,” Perls wrote in an email. “We need to discuss potential concerns in addition to potential benefits, and we need strict and sensible health and environmental safety testing, regulations, and standards.”

    If it all works out the big question is will the consumer buy?

    Ramon Sanchez, director of the sustainable technologies and health program at the Center for Health and the Global Environment at Harvard University said,

    “It depends on cultural traits and how well informed is the consumer.

    All of the bacteria and fungi in dung are killed during the process of extracting cellulose, and cellulose itself is a chemical compound that is absolutely clean and is unlikely to produce any adverse health effects.”

    It all comes down to marketing, he added.

    So it may not be that long away you’ll be sporting your new poo-poo line of fashionables and have something not just to crow about but to moo about as well.

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  6. Trump’s Pre-Existing Condition -Thought Constipation Syndrome

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    May 4, 2017 by John Crapper

    Constipation

    Constipation (Photo credit: The Djudju Beast)

    Sometimes a person just wants a break
    from all the crap coming their way.
    Today is that day for me.

    So just for fun and relief I offer the following:

    Health Alert:  Our President is suffering from a disease called Thought Constipation Syndrome.  Treatment should be sought immediately.

    Need proof?  Review the following and reach your own conclusion.

    These are the common symptoms of Thought Constipation Syndrome (TCS).

    1. Narrow mindedness: The individual will repeatedly offer the same simple answer for numerous complex problems under discussion.

    2. Blatant prejudice: Large segments of mankind will be categorized as inferior, doomed to damnation or unfit because of a different color of skin or a different belief.

    3. Constantly displaying a “know it all” attitude: The individual will be obsessed with a compulsive need to convince you to their way of thinking.

    4. Constantly resorting to personal attacks in an attempt to win arguments: “If you think like that you’re just a loser.”

    5. Claiming to have had a life-changing spiritual experience: “I saw the light when I accepted Him as my savior and into my life.”

    Note:  Treatment should be sought if 3 or more symptoms are being exhibited by the patient on a regular basis.  

    The appropriate treatment for this condition is the administration of a Thought Mitigating Enema (TME). The use of TME for treating TCS is fairly new and a delicate procedure to administer. It is important, therefore, to have the procedure done at a Holy Shitters authorized clinic. The Brains for Shit (BS) Institute currently is the only authorized administrator of the Thought Mitigating Enema. It must be performed by a licensed Shitologist specially trained in the procedure.

    English: CT Scan

    ST Scan similar to CT Scan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    In general the procedure consists of the following. The Shitologist will first perform a Shitty Thought Scan (ST Scan) similar to the much more familiar CT Scan to determine the severity of the thought constipation. Once this is determined a Thought Mitigating Enema (TME) will be scheduled.

    The night before the scheduled procedure the patient will be instructed to do the required prep. This involves the self-administration of a fleets enema in order to clear the anal canal and intestines of fecal matter so the TME tube can be more easily inserted.

    After the patient is sedated a tube will be carefully inserted through the rectum and anal canal all the way to the brain. Once complete the Shitologist will next insert the blowout preventer electrode. This electrode is specially designed to monitor bullshit extraction and guard against the inadvertent removal of valid thoughts to prevent the patient emerging from the procedure not knowing their ass from a hole in the ground. Once this electrode is in place and functioning properly, the Shitologist will begin to administer the Bullshit Memory Release Injection or (BMRI). This injection consists of a special formula designed to flush ass-backward thinking (more commonly referred to as bullshit) out of a person’s brain to be expelled out through the anal canal.

    Once the shitty thought extraction is complete the practitioner will perform a second Shitty Thought (ST) scan to determine the amount of open-mindedness space created from the bullshit extraction process.

    Next, the Shitologist will insert a semipermeable reverse assmosis membrane through which the truth, but not the bullshit may more easily pass.

    After the procedure an Ass-forward Thought Counselor or AFT Counselor will meet with the patient to set up outpatient ass-forward thinking training sessions to equip the patient with strategies to avoid a relapse of the syndrome.  During counseling sessions the AFT Counselor will educate the patient about the Shitloop Cycle and the Sacrament of Holy Shitting. The goal is to increase the number of smart shits and minimize the frequency of dumb shits to prevent the reemergence of bullshit into the person’s mind and a reoccurrence of Thought Constipation Syndrome (TCS).

    English: A Bull shitting with a with a red circle

    No Bullshit Zone! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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  7. Why There Are More Women Than Men – Picture Evidence

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    February 18, 2017 by John Crapper

    When I discover holy shit scenes I’m compelled to share.  Plus with the political news we’re being bombarded with these days everyone deserves a good laugh.  Enjoy!

     

    Here is, in pictures, why there is more women than men.

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  8. Trump Levity to Make Your Day

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    January 27, 2017 by John Crapper

    A little levity to make your day brighter. It’s gonna be great. You’re gonna love it!

    From our brothers in the Netherlands. Enjoy!

    And just in case you haven’t read this excellent post: Here’s What’s psychologically wrong with Donald Trump

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  9. An Inconvenient Poop

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    August 14, 2015 by John Crapper

    Being Poop John the First in the Church of the Holy Shitters I have obligations and a mission to accomplish. I am the “head”, after all, of

    a secular environmental religion, scientifically based, with a focus on the psychology of it all. Our ego is the culprit when it comes to dealing with climate change. We cannot save the planet. We can only save ourselves. Our current egotistical self-perception makes that prospect a dubious one at best. Meekness, humility and a realization that our shit does stink, guides us on our path to true sustainable living and climate equilibrium.

    Being the administrator of the Holy Shitters Daily Kos group I’m excited to share important poop news! Poop, after all, doesn’t get the attention it deserves. As such, there is a show opening in NYC that is of special interest to our religion.

    An Inconvenient Poop is making its World Premiere at FringeNYC! Opening Monday, 8/17 at 5PM at The White Box @ 440 Studios! From the website:

    What if the solution to climate change, world peace, and self-love was the one thing no one wanted to talk about? Professor Oscar von Shtein was going to give a thrilling FREDx Talk on the Classics, until Shawn “The Puru” Shafner took over the controls. Forced to explain why we feel the way we do about doo, now Oscar must face his own shit and save the day, before it starts to smell. Fascinating, hilarious, and a little bit uncomfortable, An Inconvenient Poop is a musical, one-man show. Breaking the potty taboo, it inspires audiences to take responsibility for our shit—literal, personal, communal—so we can liberate it, hold it to the light, and transform it from waste to resource. Join a revolution pushing for change from the bottom up, and proudly declare “I’m a pooper!”

    Here is a “taste” of what you can expect if you’re one of the lucky few who get a ticket.

    Tickets are going like diarrhea!

    The Poop Project was founded by Shawn. I’ve met him. We’ve touched base from time to time as our paths seem to “naturally” flow together . He’s a talented and very intelligent guy. I guess you could say he “really knows his shit”. He’s not farting around with this stuff either. He’s been talking shit for quite some time. I can assure you we’ve had some pretty shitty conversations together too.

    When you’re Poop John the First of the Church of the Holy Shitters you notice people like this and you don’t flush them. He has a wonderful message nobody likes to hear but needs to be listened to by everybody. So I’m just letting this flow out to all of you. Flush it along. And, by all means, if you’re anywhere near New York City and can make one of these shows I’d highly recommend it.

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  10. An Inconvenient Poop! Let the Show Begin!

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    July 6, 2015 by John Crapper

    Holy Shit! This is our kind of show!  Be the first to go!

    An Inconvenient Poop

    Premieres at FringeNYC!!!!!

    Screen Shot 2015-07-06 at 3.02.54 PM

     

    Screen Shot 2015-07-06 at 2.41.35 PM

    The POOP Project is proud to announce that our new show, An Inconvenient Poop, will trouble the bowels of the Five Boroughs this August at FringeNYC! Help us make a splash in the same festival that brought the world Urinetown: The Musical.

     

    From the website:

    What if the solution to climate change, world peace, and self-love was the one thing no one wanted to talk about? Professor Oscar von Shtein was going to give a thrilling FREDx Talk on the Classics, until Shawn “The Puru” Shafner took over the controls. Forced to explain why we feel the way we do about doo, now Oscar must face his own shit and save the day, before it starts to smell.

    Fascinating, hilarious, and a little bit uncomfortable, An Inconvenient Poop is a musical, one-man show. Breaking the potty taboo, it inspires audiences to take responsibility for our shit—literal, personal, communal—so we can liberate it, hold it to the light, and transform it from waste to resource. Join a revolution pushing for change from the bottom up, and proudly declare “I’m a pooper!”

     

    Screen Shot 2015-07-06 at 3.00.10 PM

    The Poop Project was founded by Shawn.  I’ve met him.  We’ve touched base from time to time as our paths seem to “naturally” flow together . He’s a talented and very intelligent guy.  I guess you could say he “really knows his shit”. He’s not farting around with this stuff either. He’s been talking shit for quite some time.

    When you’re Poop John the First of the Church of the Holy Shitters you notice people like this and you don’t flush them.  He has a wonderful message nobody likes to hear but needs to be listened to by everybody.

    So I’m just letting this flow out to all of you.  Flush it along.

     

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  11. Some Gifts Just Stink!

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    May 28, 2015 by John Crapper

    Ever gotten a gift that just sucks? I mean it really stinks. My brother, of all people, gave as a wedding gift a hot dog bun warmer to my wife and I. I really didn’t know what to say about this thoughtful gift. Needless to say we’re not that close.

    On another occasion we received a huge ugly Plaster of Paris horse head as a X-mas present. The Russian couple we received it from stared right at us as we opened the monstrosity and feigned delight at having received it.

    I guess the silver lining is neither one of us ever forgot receiving these gifts. They were forever etched in our brains not to end up in the dust bin of forgotten OK gifts one has received over the years.

    Now there is help for people who find themselves searching for the right gift to give that hard to buy for friend, boss or family member. Look no further than the Church of the Holy Shitters to assist with unusual gift ideas that surprise.

    Previously recommended:

    For the health enthusiast:

    If you’re friend is not putting crap in their cereal bowl each morning they’re simply not eating the best!

    For the bulkier ones in your midst:

    Having trouble finding that perfect gift for the larger derrieres on your list. Poop John the First has the solution! American capitalist ingenuity offers you the Adjustable Advantage toilet seat. The seat handles up to 1,000 pounds and has two wings that expand out to either side to accommodate those over-sized posteriors. Plus it comes with a lifetime warranty.

    Photo illustration courtesy of North Coast Medical, Inc.

    Make sure all your wide friends are appreciated! After all if you are not comfortable while doing it, it is hard to be a happy pooper. And, as always there is a wide selection to choose from too!

    For the stinkier ones:

    Hate that stink? Spray it away.

    And for the sleepy ones:

    Need a shitty pick me up in the morning? How about Civet coffee, brewed from the seeds of coffee berries after they’ve been eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet? It’s the most expensive coffee in the word. Remember, if your coffee hasn’t past through a digestive track it’s not the best! And holy shit don’t you’re friends deserve the best.

    To add to this list, the other day, I came upon a company offering a very distinctfull gift. The company is called Shitsenders. They will send your friend or enemy a fresh helping of some of the nastiest and stinkiest brown stuff you have ever seen.

    From their website:

    Looking for a great gag gift? Has some one really pissed you off? Don’t get mad, GET EVEN. Send that special some one a big stinky pile of shit. GUARANTEED ANONYMOUS

    We will send your friend or enemy a healthy helping of some of the nastiest, stinkiest, fresh shit packages you have ever seen. We have several varieties of shit that we can send, including a special shit of the month. Go to the order page to see what’s on special this month.

    They have a top ten list of reasons to send someone a package to help hasten your gift purchases and shorten your shopping list. They are:

    To your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend

    Neighbors pet crapping on your lawn

    For your mean boss

    For a salesperson or mechanic that ripped you off

    A Last minute gift for some one who has everything

    A gag gift

    For a rich gloating friend, to knock them down a peg

    To the teacher that gave your son/daughter a D

    Some one left you negative feedback on your auction

    You just don’t like them

    To assure you they are a legitimate concern providing a much needed service they offer numerous testimonials from their “satisfied” shitty customers. Here are a couple examples:

    I sent a pile of shit to my neighbor that lets her dog shit in everybody’s yard. She must have gotten the message because now she carries a plastic bag around with her and actually cleans up after the dog. She never did that before. Thanks for a job well done. Mary – San Francisco, CA

    I was passed over for a promotion at work about a month ago for a young single girl with 1/2 my experience by a boss 1/2 my age. He’s the know it all type and she’s a big flirt. This has been bothering me ever since it happened. Once I found your site I wasted no time in ordering the biggest pile of shit I could get. It was so satisfying to see him open that overnight envelope in view of about 6 other employees and that big bag of cow shit hit his desk. Everyone that saw it got a big giggle at his expense while his face turned red. Thanks shitsenders your right revenge is sweet. J.W.P. – Phoenix, AZ

    I’ve been making my list and checking it twice.  By its length I think this company is going to be highly successful.  If they ever go public I’m going to buy stock.

    Please note: The Church of the Holy Shitters is not connected in any way financially to any of the above companies or their products.

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  12. Holiday Gift Selections from the Holy Shitters

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    December 18, 2014 by John Crapper

     

    Need a little help with innovative suggestions to complete your last minute holiday shopping? Do you have those hard to buy for friends that cause you to come up with zip for gift ideas. Well, the Church of the Holy Shitters is ready to assist with unusual gift ideas that surprise and put unique presents under the Christmas tree never before seen or contemplated.

    When you are a nation in the deep throes of Consumer Diarrhea as exhibited by Black Friday and Cyber Monday, we feel a special obligation to draw your attention to these utilitarian gift choices. First, let me just share our number one gift choice for this season.

    If you’re not putting crap in your cereal bowl each morning you’re simply not eating the best! Having trouble finding that perfect gift for the larger derrieres on your list. Poop John the First has the solution! American capitalist ingenuity offers you the Adjustable Advantage toilet seat. The seat handles up to 1,000 pounds and has two wings that expand out to either side to accommodate those over-sized posteriors. Plus it comes with a lifetime warranty.

    Photo illustration courtesy of North Coast Medical, Inc.

    Make sure all your wide friends on your shopping list are appreciated this holiday season! After all if you are not comfortable while doing it, it is hard to be a happy pooper. And, as always there is a wide selection to choose from too! Butt wait. For a limited time you can have two for the price of one.  Call today!

    Hate that stink? Spray it away.

     

    And finally, need a shitty pick me up in the morning? How about Civet coffee, brewed from the seeds of coffee berries after they’ve been eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet? It’s the most expensive coffee in the word.  Remember, if your coffee hasn’t past through a digestive track,  it’s not the best! And holy shit don’t you’re friends deserve the best.

    On behalf of the Church of the Holy Shitters I would like to wish all poopers happy pooping this holiday season and a wonderfully shitty New Year! Let’s all raise our glasses this New Year’s Eve in appreciation for all the smart shits in our lives! Once again:

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  13. Shit – Help Me Find Him!

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    October 9, 2014 by John Crapper

    Sometimes I just like to unplug from all the problems. Humor is where I go. This week that’s where I want to be. Life has been throwing a lot of shit my way lately. If your like me and want a break from dealing with all the shit in your life too for a couple of minutes please read below.

    ***

    I don’t know Shit. I wish I did. I think knowing him is important. I’ve been told many times that I don’t know Shit and it’s kind of getting on my nerves.

    There are a lot of people in this world that do not know Shit either. With so many people around that don’t know Shit it really makes it harder for me.

    Where can I find Shit? Can you tell me? I understand if you’re one of those people that lose Shit all the time. I can’t even find Shit so you’re ahead of me.

    Sometimes people say I look like Shit. As I get older it happens to me more and more. The trouble is I hear people telling other people that look nothing like me that they look like Shit too. So that really confuses me.

    So since I’m really getting nowhere trying to look for Shit on my own I’ve decided to start an investigation and hire a professional. I’ve got to get to know this person. I have things I want to accomplish and we all know you can’t get ahead in this world if you don’t know Shit. So I’m on a quest to find him.

    That’s one of the reasons I’m posting this here. I figure if you guys don’t know Shit who does?

    So far my investigation hasn’t turned up Shit. It’s been really log jammed.

    I’m not even sure if Shit is this person’s last name or first. Working under the assumption it’s his last name the first could be Dip, Dumb, Smart, or Big. If it’s his first name then he could have a last name of Head, Hole, Forbrains, or Outofluck.

    Any help you could provide would be much appreciated. If you or anyone you know knows the whereabouts of Shit please advise.

    Once I get this guy located I’m making sure I don’t lose track of Shit again!

    Thanks for your help!

    *

    UPDATE:  I received this unsourced report in my e-mail from a friend and have yet to determine the source.  (Let’s just say it’s from my private investigator but if anyone knows the source on this please let me know.  I take credit for writing the above inquiry but not what follows below.)  The spelling error in this report does give me cause for caution and suspicion I have actually found the person I’ve been searching for.

    WHO IS JACK SCHITT??????
         For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

       We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t  know Jack Schitt!’

        Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

        Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

        Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and  owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

        In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious  couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip  Schitt.

       Against  her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a  high school  dropout.  They had a son Tuff Schitt,  who grew up to be a radical union leader at the fertilizer company, Needeep N. Schitt.

       After  being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe  Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She  was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

       Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a  son with a  rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

      Two  of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were  inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

       The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

       The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

       Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

       He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian  bride, Pisa Schitt.  They had a son, Godda Schitt.

       Now  when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can  correct  them.

        Sincerely,

        Crock O. Schitt

        NOTE:  PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A  LAUGH.

        REMEMBER:  IF YOU DON’T, THEN YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO FULLA SCHITT OR GIVA SCHITT.

    P.S.  Thanks for reading.  I now return you to all the other crap happening in your life.  Have a wonderful day!

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  14. SOWP – Stupid Old White People

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    June 5, 2014 by John Crapper

     117

    Today I just want to have fun and not be serious so please indulge me.

    Just to set the record straight right up front. I’m a 63 year old white male.

    I’m also an English as a Second Language teacher. I’ve been doing it for over twenty years.  I love it.  Teaching the language  I’m continually fascinated with the weird quirks and bizarreness found in it.

    For instance, why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Doesn’t make any sense.

    How come you can buy a complete chess set in a pawn shop? Doesn’t make any sense.

    I constantly tell my students that English is Crazy.

    Being an ESL teacher, I find myself spending an inordinate amount of time thinking in creative ways regarding its use. All language is a living, changing, dynamic process. What is acceptable language use today was not so 50 years ago. What will be acceptable language use 50 years from now, you can rest assured, will not resemble how we write and speak today.

    Realizing this, it is fun for me to be minutely involved in contributing to this morphing process and offer a little language change for future generations.  So without further ado let me introduce the newly minted acronym -SOWP.

    As baby boomers age in this country there are just a lot more older people around everywhere. And I’ve noticed a lot of people hovering around my age level acting in stupid ways.

    How can you tell when you see a SOWP in action. They will typically enter a building and stand in the doorway and gawk around for about 10 to 15 seconds with mouth open, before entering. They will stand in the middle of an isle blocking both directions while they stare at cans or bottles on the shelf as if in a trance. They will tilt their heads back severely while looking up, mouth gaping open, in a vain attempt to peer through their bifocals to read product labels.

    When driving they are easily identified. First clue is the type of car they typically drive. You know the ones – old, big, gas guzzling relics from an age gone by.  SOWP drivers usually fall into two distinct categories – pedal to the metal or slow mo on the go! Both are wrecks waiting to happen.

    Gaz-24-flasher-and-parking-light

    ( credit: Wikipedia)

    Turn signal use usually notifies other drivers of where they have just turned rather than where they will turn. Another typical turn signal practice is to signal turning left right before executing a right turn.

    SOWP fashion also falls into two distinct categories One is the “I just got out of bed and ate breakfast and half of it is on my shirt for later and I might reek of bacon – that’s why I put on so much perfume or cologne types. They have reached the age where they can be who they want to be.

    Then there are the “I’m as young as I look” group. The men look like disco daddies wearing their hunk a hunk of burning love muscle shirts,sadly without muscles, but plenty of gray hair, age spots and large blue veins. Adorning their bodies are usually gold chains. The women – shrink-wrapped barbie dolls wearing too much make-up, gaudy nail polish on ridiculously long fake nails, with bleach blonde hair driving around in convertibles scaring other drivers while believing all the stares they’re getting are because they still look hot.

    And then there is the SOWP  noise.  Why is it SOWPs are always snorting, sniffing, farting, grunting, moaning, groaning, belching and clicking without regard to the proximity of others?  They also incessantly clear their throat especially while on the phone. One endearing trait I’ve noticed in my neighborhood is a SOWP who routinely blows his nose while standing in the living room window but my wife always reminds me not to do this.

    Verbally SOWPs are extremely adept at making up shit. The line between truth and bullshit is very foggy for them.

    If the shoe fits wear it. I’m guilty as charged. I’m a SOWP!

    The mind is the first thing to go but the mouth is the last thing to stop. (Shitbit by Poop John the First)

    Please note:  If you are so inclined to actually think you are old and smart this acronym works for you too.

    SOWP – Smart Old White People

     

    old-people-holding-hands

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  15. The Noise in Our Lives

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    January 23, 2014 by John Crapper

    I contend there is more noise bombarding us, clouding our thinking and impeding our judgement than ever before. This increase in noise pollution has been an insidious yet consistent phenomena in our lives, yet we are largely unaware of it and its implications.

    As stated in Wikipedia

    Noise pollution affects both health and behavior. Unwanted sound (noise) can damage psychological health. Noise pollution can cause annoyance and aggression, hypertension, high stress levels, tinnitus, hearing loss, sleep disturbances, and other harmful effects. Furthermore, stress and hypertension are the leading causes to health problems.

     

    This increase has been slow and subtle but it has significantly altered our perceptive abilities and served to increasingly isolate us from our natural surroundings.

    I first became aware of this phenomena when camping. One of the main allures and the predominant reason I love to camp is that it allows me to “get away from it all”. In a very deliberate fashion you are uprooted from most of the modern world connections and immersed in nature and all of its quiet beauty. Gone is the hustle and bustle of the city and the constant roar it makes from the never-ending human activity Traffic noise is minimal. You can hear the wind rustling through the trees and the birds chirping on their branches. The stars in the night sky are no longer obscured by the bright blinding city lights. You are content to sit for hours by the campfire and hear nothing but the crackling of the wood and watch nothing but the flames dance around the logs.

    While camping I realize just how much the noise level has increased. Camping harkens back to a simpler time in our existence when man didn’t have or require so much stuff. Life was lived closer to the earth. Life was lived in a more manual manner. It was a slower pace and much more in tune with the natural rhythm of our environment. Power for daily tasks was derived mostly from ourselves and animals. It was also a quieter life.

    A TV in this environment seems foreign and obtrusive. Every time I go camping I quickly have a peace come over me that I never feel in the city. There is a rekindled awareness of the close relationship between myself and the natural world around me. What I like most is the quiet. For me it is a spiritual experience.

    I know I’m exposed to a lot more noise on a daily basis than I was when I was a kid too. First off I’m around a lot more people every day and people make noise. When I go for a drive I encounter more cars, when I go for a walk I pass by more people. But that is not nearly the whole story.

    I lot of the modern conveniences we now have not only reduce manual labor but make a lot of noise when we use them.

    MakitaA big category that comes to mind is power tools. Stop and think for a moment just how many of the ones you use are power. We have power screwdrivers, saws,drills and sanders. We have weed eaters, leaf blowers, hedgers and clippers. We have lawn mowers, pressure-washers, cultivators, jack hammers and compressors. I could go on and on. But it was not that many years ago that these power tools didn’t exist.

    Now consider this. For each of the tools I mentioned above compare its noise factor to the manual version. See what I mean. Some of the tools mentioned above even come with the recommendation to wear earmuffs while using.

    When my wife and I walk in our neighborhood we are constantly accosted by the noise of one of these tools that is particularly annoying – the leaf blower.   I even have a special name for it. I call it the “blow boy”. It is the noisiest damn thing. Compare it to the docile leaf rake and you get my drift.

    Everything beeps these days too. Lock your car – hear the beep. Unlock the car – hear the beep. Don’t put your seatbelt on – hear the beep. Don’t hang up the phone and hear the beep. Makes me go beeping crazy!! Wasn’t that many years ago that the only thing that beeped at you was the alarm clock and I still hate the sound of that sucker!!

    It also seems to me that some people these days are addicted to being around noise. I swear over half I encounter passing on the sidewalk have some kind of electric device plugged into their ear. I wonder if they even remember what a bird sounds like?

    I would love to see a renaissance of manual tool use. I would love to go for a walk and see people using push mowers and raking instead of blowing leaves. It would be refreshing to see another person besides me using a sickle to cut down weeds instead of that damn noisy weed-wacker. I swear I can get the job done faster, better and for sure a hell of a lot quieter using one. Plus I stay in better shape using it.

    But who am I kidding. It’s not gonna happen. We love to use outside sources of power to do the jobs we once did with our own. We would rather plug it in or start it up. Why swing a hammer when you can shoot a nail? No reason to strain a wrist screwing in a screw. The increased noise and the reduced physical activity is a small price to pay, right?

    Power to the people!  Make some noise!

    I’m not Amish but they have a point!

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  16. SkyMall Shopping – Dogs

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    January 2, 2014 by John Crapper

    There is nothing a super-consumer won’t do to provide comfort and convenience for their pets. Your Fido deserves the very best. SkyMall’s selection of canine accessories is unsurpassed.

    Let’s check just a few of the many items available to make your dog’s life worth living.

    First off let’s get Fido relaxed.  There is nothing more distressing than the sight of  a dog stressing from all the pressures of their dog eat dog world?  The perfect solution is the Thundershirt providing calming pressure to sooth and calm.

    Next let’s get your canine friend trained to poop in the right place!  No reason your dog should crap out the entire lawn.  With this dog training device you can quickly train your puppy to use a designated area.  Place the block down and watch it draw your pet (along with all the other pets in the neighborhood) like a magnet with its special scent that is irresistible to both male and female dogs.

    For the couch potato who can’t be bothered to walk the dog the Porch Potty is the perfect solution. Throw in the scented fire hydrant and you may never have to step outside with Fido again!

    Having trouble keeping your dog in bounds? The PetSafe®  Wireless Receiver Collar keeps Fido trapped in up to a 3/4 acre area. And remember if it’s PetSafe® it’s also safe to strap on your Alzheimer’s dementia suffering relative to keep them safe from roaming the neighborhood too!

    PetSafe®  Bark Control Collars will likewise silence a yappy 4-legged pet or 2-legged relative in a safe and gentle fashion. You never have to listen to useless yapping again!

    Make sure your pooch can step up to the best seat in the house with PupSTEP Stairs.

    If your pet is too feeble to negotiate steps to reach couches and chairs the combination pet ramp and staircase is the perfect solution.

    Don’t like the idea of  your dog jumping on the furniture? PetSafe’s® Scatmat® teaches them good manners by gently prodding them off with low-voltage inducement. Having trouble with guests overstaying their welcome? Use ScatMat® to gently prod them into leaving too!  Yours for only $79.95.

    Why not give your dog its own couch more comfortable than the one you lay on!  Now you can with the Comfy Couch Dog Bed.  Yours for just $99.95!

    To give your dog a unique resting option how about a pair of matching PetCrate end tables complete with chew-proof metal bars. Buy the pair for a mere $500.00.

    Do your barkers just hate laying around in wet grass? Our elevated dog bed keeps them comfortable and dry.

    How about the Elevated Dog Bed with shade for extra luxury?

     Can’t stand the thought of not having your hound dog around to hound you?  Your problem is solved.
     
     

    PetSafe®  also offers a wide selection of dual function pet fountains. Use any of these all year long for your pets drinking pleasure. For that special Drunks Can Still Drink After They Drop party these fountains offer continued beverage access long after the ability to stand has been lost.

    Does your dog have halitosis breath? How about you?  That could be a real problem.  Fix the problem withTropiclean fresh-breath products. They will eliminate periodontal disease without the need for brushing in just 30 days!

    Because you love your dog you need to know your mutt’s lineage. Help answer this question with the Wisdom Panel® Insights ancestry report available for just $69.99.

    You’ve just about got your dog’s problems licked but you still need one more item.   Give a Lick! Receive a Lick!  Let your imagination run wild and give your dog a real treat (and maybe yourself) with LicketyStik®  Disclaimer:  LicketyStik® cannot be held liable for any injury due to bites.  Owner assumes ass risk.

    Damn, where is that bite training program?

    ************

    Super-consumerism is a major problem in the United States and increasingly in the rest of the world.  The above post takes a humorous poke at this serious problem.  Consumption is inescapable for survival.   Capitalism is a great economic system capable of providing much in goods and services.  Our Church reminds us that capitalism is a great system to produce anything that people can be convinced to buy.  It is a terrible system to conserve.  We can no longer produce and consume all that we want that capitalism can provide.  It is not sustainable.   As followers of the Church of the Holy Shitters we strive to practice Soft and Fluffy Consumerism.  This means we look at things from a waste-end perspective before deciding to purchase any product.  What we buy and how we spend our money matters!  For more detailed discussion of this issue please read this article on decrapulation.

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  17. Talking Heads

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    November 14, 2013 by John Crapper

    Disclaimer: This guy is no relation to me even though we have the same name. First off he is a toilet and I’m a man. This video does provide proof though that other people have thought about talking heads and points to the distinct possibility that they do exist.

    Ever wonder what toilets would say if they could talk? “No,” you say. Not a question real high on your list?

    Well, with a name like John Crapper and holding the official title of Poop John the First in the Church of the Holy Shitters, I have pondered this question at length. Let me share with you some of my thoughts in this regard.

    If toilets could talk they would talk shit. We would know much more about their most important holiday –World Toilet Day (November 19th). I’m sure they would tell us they get pissed on all the time and they get pissed off about shit being ignored all the time.

    If toilets could talk I’m sure they would say they put up with a lot of shit every day. I bet they would claim they put up with more shit than anything or anybody else. They would probably tell us that no matter how important or regal the person is sitting on them their shit in fact does stink just like everybody else’s.

    One thing for sure, if heads could talk I’m sure they would say they have met a lot of assholes. Most would say they have to put up with the same assholes day in and day out. They would say for sure they catch people with their pants down all the time. I guess they would say they have their head up someone else’s ass all the time too. Or maybe they would say they have someone’s ass in their head all the time. Depends of which way they look at things I guess. Either way I’m sure they would say they have a pretty shitty outlook on life; that every day is a pretty shitty one! That’s not necessarily a bad outlook for a toilet probably. Makes them feel wanted I’m sure. And we all know how wanted they are at times. A person can sure have a pretty shitty feeling when in need of the comfort of a toilet. I’m sure you’ll agree that many times a toilet is your best friend.

    If the toilet was located in a public restroom shared with other toilets would they compare notes? Would they tell each other a person who reads on the toilet is a smart ass? Would they consider those that don’t a dumb ass? Would they know when they have a tight ass sitting on them. I would guess they would talk about the epidemic of obesity we have. They would probably scream out in terror and pain when a fat ass is sitting on them.

    How about all the private habits conducted by people behind closed doors that could be revealed if toilets could talk. You could just imagine what things the toilet of the President could reveal. Toilet knowledge could provide governments with all kinds of crap on people. I bet it would make it easier to discern the facts from bullshit too. Let’s face it. Assholes have no choice but to reveal themselves to toilets.

    Do you think toilets would have debates between themselves on what the difference is between an asshole and a butthole? Is there a difference?

    As far as politics is concerned I would think toilets would tend to think of asses as bipartisan. They would say you have your left bum; you have your right bum; and they meet in the middle in a bipartisan way. I’m sure they would tell us that whatever the bums come out with it usually stinks!

    I would think one of their most pressing issues would be sanitation too. One would have to assume that toilets would talk about shit more than anything else. It sort of dominates their lives. They would advise all of us of the pressing need for all people in this world to have access to toilets. They would lecture us for sure on how dramatically a toilet can change a person’s life. They would ask us to give a crap about people who lack adequate sanitation.

    In our religion the toilet is our temple. In our practice of the Sacrament of Holy Shitting in striving to have smart shits, ideas such as these deserve our consideration and attention. We are committed to thinking about shit and treating our Shit as a holy substance.

    Thinking about this it dawns on me that toilets probably would say a prayer every day too. It would go something like this. “Give us this day our daily Shit and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into diarrhea but deliver us from bullshit. Amen.”

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  18. Commandment #5 – A Closer Look

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    November 7, 2013 by John Crapper

    photo-2 2

     

    The Church of the Holy Shitters 10 Commandments

    1. Thou shalt pursue the understanding of Shit.

    2. One who taketh a shit must giveth a shit.

    3. Thou shalt not act like your shit doesn’t stink.

    4. Thou shalt not poke one’s nose into other people’s shit.

    5. If thou hast nothing constructive to say than don’t say shit.

    6. Thou shalt not buy unnecessary shit.

    7. Thou shalt not giveth someone shit.

    8. Thou shalt conserve shit.

    9. Thou shalt not take other people’s shit.

    10. Thou shalt treat someone else’s shit the same way you would want your shit treated.

    I really have nothing further to add to this commandment of:  If thou hast nothing constructive to say than don’t say shit so I will just STFU (Shut the Fuck Up!).

    If you could make someone be quiet who would you STFU?  I’ll give you a couple of people on my list.  Please add yours!

    Limbaugh_Award_cropped

    Official portrait of Congressman .

    Diarrhea of the mouth is worse then diarrhea of the butt!

    (Shitbit by Poop John the First)

    Every day I live I am forced to add more names to the list of people I consider assholes!

    (Shitbit by Poop John the First)

     

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  19. Thought Constipation Syndrome (TCS) Treatment

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    September 5, 2013 by John Crapper

    Constipation

    Constipation (Photo credit: The Djudju Beast)

    Health Alert:  Our President is suffering from a disease called Thought Constipation Syndrome.  Treatment should be sought immediately.

    Need proof?  Review the following and reach your own conclusion.

    These are the common symptoms of Thought Constipation Syndrome (TCS).

    1. Narrow mindedness: The individual will repeatedly offer the same simple answer for numerous complex problems under discussion.

    2. Blatant prejudice: Large segments of mankind will be categorized as inferior, doomed to damnation or unfit because of a different color of skin or a different belief.

    3. Constantly displaying a “know it all” attitude: The individual will be obsessed with a compulsive need to convince you to their way of thinking.

    4. Constantly resorting to personal attacks in an attempt to win arguments: “If you think like that you’re just a loser.”

    5. Claiming to have had a life-changing spiritual experience: “I saw the light when I accepted Him as my savior and into my life.”

    The appropriate treatment for this condition is the administration of a Thought Mitigating Enema (TME). The use of TME for treating TCS is fairly new and a delicate procedure to administer. It is important, therefore, to have the procedure done at a Holy Shitters authorized clinic. The Brains for Shit (BS) Institute currently is the only authorized administrator of the Thought Mitigating Enema. It must be performed by a licensed Shitologist specially trained in the procedure.

    English: CT Scan

    ST Scan similar to CT Scan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    In general the procedure consists of the following. The Shitologist will first perform a Shitty Thought Scan (ST Scan) similar to the much more familiar CT Scan to determine the severity of the thought constipation. Once this is determined a TME will be scheduled.

    The night before the scheduled procedure the patient will be instructed to do the required prep. This involves the self-administration of a fleets enema in order to clear the anal canal and intestines of fecal matter so the TME tube can be more easily inserted.

    After the patient is sedated a tube will be carefully inserted through the rectum and anal canal all the way to the brain. Once complete the Shitologist will next insert the blowout preventer electrode. This electrode is specially designed to monitor bullshit extraction and guard against the inadvertent removal of valid thoughts to prevent the patient emerging from the procedure not knowing their ass from a hole in the ground. Once this electrode is in place and functioning properly, the Shitologist will begin to administer the Bullshit Memory Release Injection or (BMRI). This injection consists of a special formula designed to flush ass-backward thinking (more commonly referred to as bullshit) out of a person’s brain to be expelled out through the anal canal.

    Once the shitty thought extraction is complete the practitioner will perform a second Shitty Thought (ST) scan to determine the amount of open-mindedness space created from the bullshit extraction process.

    Next, the Shitologist will insert a semipermeable reverse assmosis membrane through which the truth, but not the bullshit may more easily pass.

    After the procedure an Ass-forward Thought Counselor or AFT Counselor will meet with the patient to set up outpatient ass-forward thinking training sessions to equip the patient with strategies to avoid a relapse of the syndrome.  During counseling sessions the AFT Counselor will educate the patient about the Shitloop Cycle and the Sacrament of Holy Shitting. The goal is to increase the number of smart shits and minimize the frequency of dumb shits to prevent the reemergence of bullshit into the person’s mind and a reoccurrence of Thought Constipation Syndrome (TCS).

    English: A Bull shitting with a with a red circle

    No Bullshit Zone! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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  20. Thought Constipation Syndrome – Enema Within!

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    August 29, 2013 by John Crapper

    Constipation

    Constipation (Photo credit: The Djudju Beast)

    Constipation

    1. a condition of the bowels in which the feces are dry and hardened and evacuation is difficult and infrequent.

    2. Informal: a state of slowing down, sluggishness, or inactivity.

    3. Obsolete: the act of crowding anything into a smaller compass.

    4. Holy Shitters definition: A person full of shit.

    Enema

    Enema Man

    Enema Man (Photo credit: emilydickinsonridesabmx)

    The injection of liquid into the rectum through the anus for cleansing, for stimulating evacuation of the bowels, or for other therapeutic or diagnostic purposes.

     

    When I was a young boy and in a state of constipation my Mom would get out the enema bottle, fill it with warm water and call me to the toilet for the treatment. Insert tube, switch flow on,wait for water bottle to empty, hold fluid in to allow fecal matter to soften and release. Not a pleasant procedure but instant relief when the OK to release was finally given. Effective treatment to get the flow below corrected and on track.

    We are all familiar with constipation. When you are in this condition it is hard to think straight. When the flow from below is not there the flow at the top isn’t either. When you are plugged from below you are plugged above. For a person’s thoughts to flow things below need to be flowing also.

    Shitologists at the Brains for Shit (BS) Institute have recently discovered a new form of constipation. They have labeled it:

    Thought Constipation Syndrome

    1. A condition of the brain in which the bullshit and shitty thoughts are hardened and evacuation is difficult and infrequent.

    2. Informal: a state of slowing down, thought sluggishness, or thought inactivity.

    3. Obsolete: the act of crowding thoughts into a smaller compass.

    4. Holy Shitters definition: A narrow-minded asshole.

    Statements that may be indications of TCS:

    “I have the truth.”

    “I have been born again.”

    “I have the way.”

    ” I follow the path of righteousness.”

    “It is my way or the highway.”

    “Let me tell you…”

    “Have you been saved?”

    When a person starts to feel they have all the answers; when they restrict their inflow of information to single sources such as one book or one news channel or when they excessively and compulsively tell you all they know while refusing information offered by others, chances are they should be evaluated for Thought Constipation Syndrome. (TCS). If the condition is confirmed treatment should be immediately sought. At present the only effective treatment for this condition is a thought enema.

    Thought Enema

    The injection of a special truth serum into the rectum through the anus to the brain, for cleansing, for stimulating evacuation of bullshit, or for other therapeutic or diagnostic purposes such as stimulating ass-forward thinking.

    My next post will discuss in greater detail the symptoms of TCS, outline the basic procedure of a thought enema and advise where that treatment can be obtained.

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Our climate is changing. I'm humorously serious about addressing it. I'm convinced my ego is the main culprit. My religion, Holy Shitters, demands I humble myself and celebrate the fact my shit stinks.
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