February 20, 2017 by John Crapper
This picture illustrates why it is never advisable to fart in a wetsuit. But what about astronauts and spacesuits?
Thousands of people have been spending thousands of hours working on the “Space Poop Challenge and on 2/15/17 NASA rewarded five members of the public for their creative ideas for how to poop in a spacesuit.
Currently, astronauts on spacewalks rely on diapers, which is a feasible solution for only a few hours at a time. NASA is imagining a situation where an astronaut is stuck in a spacesuit for days during long journeys through space.
The super-portable-bathroom solution has to work quickly, easily, in micro-gravity, without impeding movement, for both men and women, for solid and liquid waste. It can either store waste in the suit or expel it. And it has to be comfortable … for up to six continuous days.
Since the project launched on the HeroX crowdsourcing site in October, nearly 20,000 people, from all over the world, submitted more than 5,000 ideas. They were competing for a total of $30,000 in prizes.
The winning solution came from an Air Force officer, family practice physician and flight surgeon named Thatcher Cardon. His design was inspired by minimally invasive surgical techniques — and a strong desire not to store the poop.
“I never thought that keeping the waste in the suit would be any good,” he told NPR. “So I thought, ‘How can we get in and out of the suit easily?’ ”
“I thought about what I know regarding less invasive surgeries like laparoscopy or arthroscopy or even endovascular techniques they use in cardiology — they can do some amazing things in very small openings.
He designed a small airlock at the crotch of the suit, with a variety of items — including inflatable bedpans and diapers — that could be passed through the small opening and then expanded. His design even allows an astronaut to change underwear while inside the spacesuit, through the same small opening. (emphasis mine)
And holy shit think about it. Can you imagine enjoying being an interplanetary explorer if you’ve constantly got to use the bathroom and you can’t.
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December 18, 2014 by John Crapper
Need a little help with innovative suggestions to complete your last minute holiday shopping? Do you have those hard to buy for friends that cause you to come up with zip for gift ideas. Well, the Church of the Holy Shitters is ready to assist with unusual gift ideas that surprise and put unique presents under the Christmas tree never before seen or contemplated.
When you are a nation in the deep throes of Consumer Diarrhea as exhibited by Black Friday and Cyber Monday, we feel a special obligation to draw your attention to these utilitarian gift choices. First, let me just share our number one gift choice for this season.
If you’re not putting crap in your cereal bowl each morning you’re simply not eating the best! Having trouble finding that perfect gift for the larger derrieres on your list. Poop John the First has the solution! American capitalist ingenuity offers you the Adjustable Advantage toilet seat. The seat handles up to 1,000 pounds and has two wings that expand out to either side to accommodate those over-sized posteriors. Plus it comes with a lifetime warranty.Photo illustration courtesy of North Coast Medical, Inc.
Make sure all your wide friends on your shopping list are appreciated this holiday season! After all if you are not comfortable while doing it, it is hard to be a happy pooper. And, as always there is a wide selection to choose from too! Butt wait. For a limited time you can have two for the price of one. Call today!
Hate that stink? Spray it away.
And finally, need a shitty pick me up in the morning? How about Civet coffee, brewed from the seeds of coffee berries after they’ve been eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet? It’s the most expensive coffee in the word. Remember, if your coffee hasn’t past through a digestive track, it’s not the best! And holy shit don’t you’re friends deserve the best.
On behalf of the Church of the Holy Shitters I would like to wish all poopers happy pooping this holiday season and a wonderfully shitty New Year! Let’s all raise our glasses this New Year’s Eve in appreciation for all the smart shits in our lives! Once again:
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July 10, 2014 by John Crapper
Not long ago Dutch officials lined up some not-so-private urinals in an Amsterdam park and asked local men to come pee. But instead of having the pee flush down the drain and piss it away the local water district turned it into fertilizer.
Phosphorus extracted from the temporary park urinals will go to a green roof in the city. And today, the water utility will launch a new recovery plant designed to mine the phosphorus out of all of the wastewater in the region. Amsterdam’s pee alone can fertilize 10,000 football fields’ worth of plants, according to officials.
Who cares about phosphorus? For starters, every living thing on Earth—including humans—since all the crops we eat depend on it to produce healthy cells. Until the mid-20th century, farmers maintained phosphorus levels in soil by composting plant waste or spreading phosphorus-rich manure. Then new mining and refining techniques gave rise to the modern phosphorus fertilizer industry—and farmers, particularly in the rich temperate zones of Europe and North America, quickly became hooked on quick, cheap, and easy phosphorus. Now the rest of the world is scrambling to catch up, and annual phosphorus demand is rising nearly twice as fast as the population.
Our addiction to cheap P (as it’s known in the periodic table) is risky for two reasons. The first, better-known one is that not all the phosphorus that farmers put on their land is absorbed by crops. A lot leaches into water, ending up in lakes and rivers, where it causes algal blooms—which, as they decompose and suck up oxygen, create dead zones.
But the scarier reason is that, like any mined material, phosphate rock is a finite resource, and there’s fierce debate about just how long our supply can last. “Peak phosphorus” doesn’t get a lot of buzz, but it should. In a recent essay in Nature, Grantham, who also runs an environmental foundation, put the case bluntly: Our P use “must be drastically reduced in the next 20-40 years or we will begin to starve.”
This idea all started because phosphorus in the urine was causing problems by forming crystals in the sewage pipes and clogging them.
“We thought, if we have to remove it, why not do it in a proper way,” said Peer Roojimans, who serves on the board of the water authority. “Phosphorus is needed for survival for everything in life, but it’s a limited product, and the mines are exhausted. Since everyone takes it with us every day–and supplies it to our sewage treatment plant when we go to the toilet–we wanted to develop a device that could reuse it.”
So the Dutch are developing a sewage treatment facility that will separate the nitrogen and phosphorus from the urine and transform it into a slow release fertilizer called struvite.
Lest it seem that poo has been left out of the plan, Roojimans points out that the entire wastewater treatment plant for the Amsterdam area–which serves a million people–runs entirely on electricity that is produced from solid waste.
Now Amsterdam residents can be proud to know they’re cleaning up their environment, recycling and helping to alleviate a growing scarcity of phosphorus every time they flush.
As Poop John the First of the Church of the Holy Shitters I declare this a first class example of ass-forward thinking which puts waste-end considerations up front and center.
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June 19, 2014 by John Crapper
There was a time, not that long ago, when doing your business meant taking a short walk to visit the outhouse. You opened the door, sat down and did your business. A very simple procedure and a very environmentally friendly process. Even the phone books and Sears catalogs were put to greater use back then!
Now we have the benefits of progress. Today we enter a well-lit public restroom and sit down on a shiny porcelain toilet. More often than not as we get up to leave the toilet an electric magic eye senses our movement and triggers an electric flush. When the eye malfunctions we are left pondering what to do to instigate the desired evacuation of the evidence.
Japan has taken the electric toilet to new luxurious heights. The Japanese are sticklers for cleanliness. Sixty years ago it was a country of pit latrines. Now “Japan makes the most advanced, remarkable toilets in the world.
Rose George in The BIG Necessity describes these toilets.
Japanese toilets can check your blood pressure, play music, wash and dry your anus and “front parts” by means of an in-toilet nozzle that sprays water and warm air, suck smell ions from the air, switch on a light for you as you stumble into the bathroom at night, put the seat lid down for you (a function known as the “marriage-saver”), and flush away your excreta without requiring anything as old-fashioned as a tank.
A man urinating at the urinal will also have the electric magic eye monitoring his progress ready to whisk away the evidence as soon as he steps away. It has been my experience that the magic eye fails to function about 20 to 30 percent of the time. And these babies are relatively new devices. What happens in a few years down the road?
After the conclusion of our business we walk to the row of sinks to wash our hands. We usually put our hands under an electric soap dispenser which doles out the soap in a measured burst. It is never enough so you repeat the electric burst several times to get a sufficient amount. Then you put your hands under the electric faucet which senses your hand movement and, hopefully, turns on the water. It never stays on continuously so you are required to wave your hands repeatedly to re-trigger the electric switch to restart the flow.
I can’t imagine what one of these toilets must be like in the case of an extended power outage. It does not conjure up a pretty sight.
Why is it that in an age when we are encouraged to unscrew our incandescent light bulbs and replace them with LED ones we are experiencing these recently remodeled electric toilet facilities more and more? It seems pretty ass-backward to me.
Category Energy, Sanitation, Toilet | Tags: ass-backward, Ass-backward consumerism, capitalism, consumer diarrhea, Consumerism, crap, Energy, Environment, funny, Funny Shit, Humor, Sanitation, Soft and Fluffy Consumerism, Sustainable energy, thinking, toilet
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November 14, 2013 by John Crapper
Disclaimer: This guy is no relation to me even though we have the same name. First off he is a toilet and I’m a man. This video does provide proof though that other people have thought about talking heads and points to the distinct possibility that they do exist.
Ever wonder what toilets would say if they could talk? “No,” you say. Not a question real high on your list?
Well, with a name like John Crapper and holding the official title of Poop John the First in the Church of the Holy Shitters, I have pondered this question at length. Let me share with you some of my thoughts in this regard.
If toilets could talk they would talk shit. We would know much more about their most important holiday – I’m sure they would tell us they get pissed on all the time and they get pissed off about shit being ignored all the time. (November 19th).
If toilets could talk I’m sure they would say they put up with a lot of shit every day. I bet they would claim they put up with more shit than anything or anybody else. They would probably tell us that no matter how important or regal the person is sitting on them their shit in fact does stink just like everybody else’s.
One thing for sure, if heads could talk I’m sure they would say they have met a lot of assholes. Most would say they have to put up with the same assholes day in and day out. They would say for sure they catch people with their pants down all the time. I guess they would say they have their head up someone else’s ass all the time too. Or maybe they would say they have someone’s ass in their head all the time. Depends of which way they look at things I guess. Either way I’m sure they would say they have a pretty shitty outlook on life; that every day is a pretty shitty one! That’s not necessarily a bad outlook for a toilet probably. Makes them feel wanted I’m sure. And we all know how wanted they are at times. A person can sure have a pretty shitty feeling when in need of the comfort of a toilet. I’m sure you’ll agree that many times a toilet is your best friend.
If the toilet was located in a public restroom shared with other toilets would they compare notes? Would they tell each other a person who reads on the toilet is a smart ass? Would they consider those that don’t a dumb ass? Would they know when they have a tight ass sitting on them. I would guess they would talk about the epidemic of obesity we have. They would probably scream out in terror and pain when a fat ass is sitting on them.
How about all the private habits conducted by people behind closed doors that could be revealed if toilets could talk. You could just imagine what things the toilet of the President could reveal. Toilet knowledge could provide governments with all kinds of crap on people. I bet it would make it easier to discern the facts from bullshit too. Let’s face it. Assholes have no choice but to reveal themselves to toilets.
Do you think toilets would have debates between themselves on what the difference is between an asshole and a butthole? Is there a difference?
As far as politics is concerned I would think toilets would tend to think of asses as bipartisan. They would say you have your left bum; you have your right bum; and they meet in the middle in a bipartisan way. I’m sure they would tell us that whatever the bums come out with it usually stinks!
I would think one of their most pressing issues would be sanitation too. One would have to assume that toilets would talk about shit more than anything else. It sort of dominates their lives. They would advise all of us of the pressing need for all people in this world to have access to toilets. They would lecture us for sure on how dramatically a toilet can change a person’s life. They would ask us to give a crap about people who lack adequate sanitation.
In our religion the toilet is our temple. In our practice of the Sacrament of Holy Shitting in striving to have smart shits, ideas such as these deserve our consideration and attention. We are committed to thinking about shit and treating our Shit as a holy substance.
Thinking about this it dawns on me that toilets probably would say a prayer every day too. It would go something like this. “Give us this day our daily Shit and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into diarrhea but deliver us from bullshit. Amen.”
- World Toilet Day: Let’s have a sanitation celebration! (news.cnet.com)
- Matt Damon Gets Flushed for World Toilet Day (adweek.com)
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October 3, 2013 by John Crapper
There is a reason people call a toilet a head. For many of us, in our hectic world, it is the few moments in our day where we can sit, relax, contemplate and examine our lives in a personal and intimate way. (Shitbit by Poop John the First)
The first sacrament in the Church of the Holy Shitters is Holy Shitting. The sacrament of Holy Shitting involves not only the physical act of taking a dump, but also a state of mind while physically doing so.
As Holy Shitters, while on the toilet, you strive to have a smart shit rather than a dumb shit. A Smart Shit is a reflective, meditative, contemplation of all that has transpired since the last time you took a dump. You take the time to really look at your shit.
Thus you perform an honest physical and mental self-assessment of your actions as you perform the actual act of getting rid of your shit. You resolve to correct your deficiencies and improve yourself between now and your next dump. As you physically let go of your physical shit you simultaneously let go of your mental shit as well. In the proper conduct of this ritual you receive the sacrament of Shitting.
The Sacrament of Holy Shitting helps a Holy Shitter reach the state of “Soft and Fluffy”. The homeostatic state of “Soft and Fluffy” is the closest thing to oneness with the universe a person can achieve. It signifies a state of peace, tranquility and mental shitlessness achievable only by following the true path demanded by the Church of the Holy Shitters. “Soft and fluffy is the ultimate state of self.
The act of taking a dump is philosophical in that relieving the body relieves the head as well. For how many busy and stressed out people is this time one of the few moments in their hectic day of solitary, privacy and contemplation? Many people, while partaking in the Sacrament of Holy Shitting confess to having great thoughts, ideas and insights while seated on the toilet. Some people, like myself, even have revelations while doing their business.
In the same way that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess, you also have to think of a lot of shitty ideas before you come up with that great one. This is part of the promise encompassed in the Sacrament of Holy Shitting. Most of the time we come up with some pretty shitty ideas, but every once in a while a gem emerges. When that happens it is an uplifting experience which needs to be shared with others.
Uplifting experiences don’t happen that often. Part of our job at holyshitters.com is to ensure these ideas are recorded discussed, scrutinized, criticized, and if authenticated acted upon.
Things go down much easier than up. It takes power to push things up.
Heat pushes things up. Putting heat on political leaders with regard to an issue results in that issue rising up the agenda and receiving more attention.
In the same way, pressure makes things move. In the political sphere pressure will result in movement on a given issue in the direction in which the pressure is applied.
This is also part of our mission at this site. Not only do we attempt to collectively come up with a good idea once in a while, we also strive to excerpt pressure and increased heat on policy makers and decision makers to affect the agenda and encourage the implementation of these good ideas.
If we are to have any hope of changing the trajectory of man’s impact on our environment, as many good ideas as possible need to be generated and massive heat and pressure needs to be applied on our political and business leaders to implement them.
So let’s turn up the heat and pressure on both the government and private sector and encourage them to take bold effective action on climate change.
Let’s light a fire under their asses.
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August 1, 2013 by John Crapper
“Whenever I make a bum decision,
I go out and make another one.”
quote by President Harry Truman
I’m not a big fan of the National Rifle Association. I think their politics are way too right-wing for my taste and their political influence in government is much too pervasive. Don’t get me wrong. I have no philosophical problem with the right to bear arms. I see no animal rights issues with sports hunting. I’ve hunted in the past and will probably do so in the future. I don’t see the need, however, for a person to possess a rapid-fire semi-automatic weapon.
All of the above being said I would like to argue in favor of the swift and universal implementation and possession of a gun. These guns should be widely available throughout the world and be used on a daily basis.
Believe it or not, this is a gun the NRA doesn’t know anything about. I’m not even sure they would support its proliferation throughout the world. The gun I’m talking about is the bum gun.
So what is a bum gun you ask? Well it’s a gun that literally blows your shit away. Let me explain. In the world today there are 2 kinds of people. There are wipe away and there are wash away. Wipe away people do their business of taking a dump and reach for the roll of toilet paper to clean themselves. Wash away people reach for a sprayer (sometimes called the ass hose) located close to the toilet and gently spray themselves clean.
I find it odd in modern cultures throughout the world most people are still wipers and not washers. We take showers every day and miticulously clean our bodies. We are urged to wash our hands often to stop the spread of disease. We use sanitizing lotion, air purification devices, disinfectants, and antiseptics to eliminate germs and bacteria from our environment. We are told to cover our mouths when we cough. Restaurant workers are required to thoroughly wash their hands after visiting the restroom to stop the spread of fecal carrying diseases. Yet when we sit down to take a dump we reach with our bare hands for paper to wipe ourselves knowing full well that we are really not clean afterward. Frequent underwear tracks provide indisputable proof of the fact that our current system is a hit and miss not fully satisfactory system to clean ourselves.
But the toilet paper industry does not want you to realize this fact. It’s very big business in this country and around the world. Take this one statistic. In 2008 consumers in the United States spent more than $3.7 billion on toilet paper, according to Information Resources, and that does not include Wal-Mart Stores, (WMT) which does not report sales data! This is literally ass-backwards consumerism in the shittiest sense of the term.
It is not this way in some parts of the world however. In some cultures water is used (e.g. as with a bidet or lota) either in addition or exclusively. In Japan and South Korea, some toilets known as washlets are designed to wash and dry the anus of the user after defecation. Thailand has fully embraced the bum gun. Go into most toilets and toilet paper is nowhere to be found. Spray and go away with a squeaky clean asshole. The washing method allows you to clean yourself in a cheaper,greener more environmentally friendly manner.
This wiper method has been something society has not questioned. It has been a practice that has not been challenged or investigated. I say it is time to change this. I ask you to take the ass-forward step and please don’t squeeze or use the Charmin. Don’t be an asshole – use an ass hose! Install a bum gun for use with all your toilets.
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July 25, 2013 by John Crapper
“The global toilet paper industry is worth $15-20 billion and according to the most recent statistics available, the average American uses 57 sheets a day.”
Here is a little Church of the Holy Shitters experiment. Take a finger and place it in some feces. Next, wipe the finger as many times as desired with toilet paper to remove the material. Use either 4-ply or 2-ply. It really doesn’t matter. Smell your finger. What does it smell like? Would you consider it clean? Would you eat finger food with this finger without washing it first?
“Using paper to cleanse the anus makes as much sense, hygienically, as rubbing your body with dry tissue and imagining it removes dirt. It is truly ass-backward. Islamic scholars have known for centuries that paper won’t achieve the scrupulous hygiene required of Muslims. In a World Health Organization publication that attempts to teach health education through religious example, Professor Abdul Fattah Al-Husseini Al-Sheikh quotes the Prophet’s wife, Aisha. She had “never seen the Prophet …coming out after evacuating his bowels without having cleaned himself with water.”
“Paper cultures are in fact using the least efficient cleansing medium to clean the dirtiest part of their body.” A study conducted in Oxfordshire, England by Dr. J.A. Cameron in 1964 surveyed the underwear of 940 men and found fecal contamination in nearly all of them that ranged from “wasp-colored “ stains to “frank massive feces.” Ah shit – this is too much information! I’m not going to tell you about the women.
Interestingly, the Japanese, although using the most advanced toilets in the world, are still wipers not washers.
Why is it that most of our highly advanced technological societies are wipers? As Poop John the First of the Church of the Holy Shitters I find this quite ironic. We use water to clean ourselves when taking a shower. We use water to wash our dishes and clean our floors. We use it to wash our cars. Yet when we sit down to take a dump, we reach for a roll of toilet paper and wipe the crap from our crack. This, I find, an interesting quirk of our hygienic lifestyle. Wouldn’t it be cleaner to wash our butts afterwards? How many times after doing your deed do you wonder if you “got it all”? How many times does the finger break through? You know what I’m talking about. And as we all know the sink is not close enough to avoid touching the clothes to get to it to wash your hands! Sometimes the truth hurts but what is a Poop for if not to level with his flock.
I’m here to tell you there is a better way. It is the Church of the Holy Shitters way. It is high time to convert to being a washer. It is easier on the environment. It is easier on your wallet. (One of these days I’m going to figure out how much the average person spends on toilet paper in a lifetime. I know it’s a shitload.)
It is already in use in selective parts of our world. For example, when I lived in Thailand most toilets (not caving to western customs) had sprayers installed similar to what we see in the US on kitchen sinks. When you were done with your business you grabbed the sprayer and washed yourself. Clean, hygienic, easier on the environment and cheaper on the wallet. I called it the “bum gun”.
When I bring this idea up with friends in the USA I get instant rejection of the idea. “It’s too cold here; the cold water would shock a person.” “It would never fly here. The wiping custom is too ingrained in our culture.”
Until we jump out of the box and remove the blinders clouding our perception in this regard, we will continue to be a nation of dirty assholes.
Oh yeah – I forgot to tell you the final part of the little experiment above. Don’t forget to wash that finger!
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April 11, 2013 by John Crapper
A plunger is a common device that is used to release stoppages in plumbing. The intent is to loosen or break up a clog.
Origins of the Tool
The exact invention date and inventor are not known.
A single use simple utilitarian tool – right? Actually plungers have been used in a myriad of creative ways some of which might surprise you. With just a little searching these are some of the alternative uses I discovered for this simple tool.
Plungers have been used to save lives. In the 1980s, toilet plungers were used to save lives. In California, on three different occasions, caregivers performed CPR using toilet plungers to successfully save the victims’ lives. In 2009, a Minnesota company called Advanced Circulatory Systems was working on a prototype shaped in the form of a suction cup that emergency medical responders could use to perform CPR.
In Oklahoma a woman used a toilet bowl plunger to fend off two burglars breaking into her home by hitting one of them and knocking the gun out of his hand.
Recently one man tried using one to rob a bank. His plan quickly crapped out and he was apprehended after a short chase.
Jazz musicians have made trumpet mutes out of toilet bowl plungers. The suction cup from a toilet plunger transforms the sound to make the music sound like a human voice.
Others have used it for wall art or to play a game of over-sized darts!
Still others have attempted to display it as yard art.
Not sure about this next picture but I assume it is being used to pop pimples!
So as you can see the plunger can and has been used in wonderfully creative and extremely important ways since its invention.
You may have noticed we use the toilet bowl plunger as an integral part of our Church logo. It adorns every page on this site and plays the important role of holding up the Earth. In my next post I’ll tell you why this came to be part of the symbol of The Church of the Holy Shitters.
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