Thursday: So Happy It’s Thursday Day or S.H.I.T. Day
The holiest day of the week for Holy Shitters. In our Church it is also colloquially known as Turdsday. You are reminded to take the time to recite a Holy Shitters meditation and do your best to have the smartest shit of the week.
The following holidays Holy Shitters share with the rest of the world.
January 1: New Year’s Day: On this day Holy Shitters make their New Rear’s resolutions for the upcoming year. After a thorough ass-forward analysis of the past year we make a commitment to ourselves to improve our Shitty Way of Life.
January 27: Thomas Crapper Day: A holiday devoted to the man who invented the flush toilet. We remind ourselves that it’s time for the world to transition to a flushless society.
April 22: Earth Day
November 19: World Toilet Day
November: Decrapulation Day: One of the most important holidays for Holy Shitters. This holiday was first established to coincide with Black Friday which is the day after Thanksgiving, but most recently it has started on Thursday night. While the masses of shoppers are waiting in line for hours to begin the shopping madness for holiday bargains, we remind ourselves of all the crap in our lives and resist and reject the super-consuming lifestyle madness we see all around us. As we see throngs of people pushing and shoving their way into stores to be the first to grab the shitty sale items available at bargain prices we instead walk away and make a point to not shop on this day.
Instead, we celebrate and reinforce the waste-end ass-forward perspective of our religion and reaffirm to ourselves to refrain from buying unnecessary stuff for ourselves and for others. We further remind ourselves that fashion, style, luxury and so called time-saving convenience items are really the marketing tricks being played on the minds of gullible consumers.
On this day we are instructed to go into stores and point out to nonshitters all the useless goods available for purchase and encourage them not to buy the crap. By our example we exhibit sustainable consumptive behavior and demonstrate how much more satisfying a crapless Shitty Way of Life can be.
We also celebrate our own special Holy Shitter’s holidays on the first Thursday of every month as follows.
First Thursday of:
January: Shitty Way of Life Day – A day Holy Shitters appreciate the gifts bestowed on them from choosing to live the Shitty Way of Life.
February: Asshole Day – Just because it coincides with Boss’s Day means nothing. We’re just celebrating the fact that we all have one.
March: All Shits Day – Celebrating all the different types of dumps we take and the shitty thought tracks associated with them.
April: Assmosis Awareness Day – A day Holy Shitters remind themselves to guard against the bullshitization of thoughts.
May: Shoot the Shit Day – A day to celebrate the art of bullshitting.
June: Ass-forward Day – A day to concentrate on the waste-end of things.
July: All Farts Day – Also known as Gassover. A day set aside to celebrate the emancipation of the individual from the fear of passing gas in public. Preparation for the celebration begins the evening before when copious amounts of beans, broccoli and other gas producing foods are served. The next day Holy Shitters assemble for the ceremony of Highgass at their local sewage treatment plant. Attendees are encourages to sit downwind of the ceremonies. Let it blow. Let it go. Let the fireworks begin early.
August: Hot Air Awareness Day – A day to remind ourselves of the problems associated with climate change and how important our religion is to solving them.
September: Little Shits Day – A day to celebrate all the children that have been adopted by Holy Shitters and thank the parents who chose to forgo having their own children and partake in the Sacrament of Saving a Little Shit.
October: Eco-San Day – When Holy Shitters focus on sanitation issues and remind ourselves that if we really want to straighten out all this crap we really need to think about shit.
November: Consumer Diarrhea Awareness Day – A day to remind ourselves of all the super-consuming going on around and how this disease is totally incompatible with sustainable living.
December: Soft and Fluffy Day – A day we celebrate living in the Shitloop Cycle and the sustainable Soft and Fluffy, Shitty Way of Life we live.
Special Festivals/Events: (Dates vary year to year.)
Festival of Life in the Cracks – A 2-day celebration to share all those dirty cracks and bad comments we have heard throughout the year from the buttholes and assholes surrounding us.
God in the Park Summer Festival – A day of acting out the misplaced ego of humanity.