There are only two sacraments members can receive.
1. The sacrament of “Holy Shitting”.
2. The sacrament of “Saving Little Poopers”.
The Sacrament of
The Church believes there are two broad categories of shits: A smart shit and a dumb shit.
Smart Shit: A Smart Shit is a reflective, meditative, contemplation of all that has transpired since the last time you took a dump. You take the time to really look at your shit. You are keenly aware of the eat/shit cycle. Consequently you do a physical self-assessment where you ask yourself some of the following questions: Were you good to the Earth during this interval? Did you act in a sustainable non-wasteful way? Were you a good custodian of your ecosystem? Did you put good food into your body? It is also a mental self-assessment where you ask yourself such things as: Did you not bullshit others? Did you refrain from giving others shit? Did you give a shit about others? Did you needlessly get upset over useless shit? Did you act as if your shit doesn’t stink?
Thus you perform an honest physical and mental self-assessment of your actions as you perform the actual act of getting rid of your shit. You resolve to correct your deficiencies and improve yourself between now and your next dump. As you physically let go of your physical shit you simultaneously let go of your mental shit as well. In the proper conduct of this ritual you receive the sacrament of Shitting.
Dumb Shit: A Dumb Shit, on the other hand, is a non-reflective, self-centered act. You want to dump and go. You don’t have time to think about the eat/shit cycle. You don’t have time to reflect on your actions. You don’t give a shit about Shit. You are in a state of denial about your own shit. You think your shit doesn’t stink. You feel you can control shit.
You crave shitty food. You want it all from mother Earth and you want it now. You are basically a short-sighted dumb ass!
The Sacrament of Holy Shitting helps a Holy Shitter reach the state of “Soft and Fluffy”. The homeostatic state of “Soft and Fluffy” is the closest thing to oneness with the universe a person can achieve. It signifies a state of peace, tranquility and mental shitlessness achievable only by following the true path demanded by the Church of the Holy Shitters. “Soft and fluffy is the ultimate state of self.
One should always begin a dump contemplating the Supreme Shitloop by slowly chanting Eat/Shit – Eat/Shit – Eat/Shit. During this chanting meditative state it is common for other shitty-thought tracks to enter into your thinking. This is a normal healthy occurrence while receiving the sacrament of Shitting
Saving Little Poopers
We strongly believe that any human being who forgoes having their “own” child and opts instead to adopt a disadvantaged child is performing an act that rises to the level of a sacrament in the eyes of our Church. So the second sacrament Holy Shitters are able to receive is the “Saving Little Poopers Sacrament”.
In the performance of this Sacrament you are saving a child from being wasted. You are giving a child already alive a better life full of new opportunities and promise. And not inconsequentially you are helping to ease the environmental pressures on the planet and improving the quality of life for all of mankind by reducing energy use, consumption, and waste production in the process. This is truly an act of selfless ass-forward action!
So those of our followers who partake in the Saving Little Poopers Sacrament by forgoing having their “own” child and opting instead to adopt a child already alive and in need of parents and a good home are performing an act of kindness and charity revered in our Church.
Sometimes, due to life’s circumstances, this option is not feasible. The Church, therefore, recognizes other ways one can receive the Saving Little Poopers Sacrament.
The critical element for receiving the Saving Little Poopers Sacrament is to refrain from having your own child. Doing any of the following in conjunction with making this sacrifice entitles you to receive this Sacrament.
1. Become a foster parent.
2. Provide financial assistance for living expenses to an underprivileged child until they are of age.
3. Provide educational assistance to an underprivileged child.
4. Work for an NGO, in the Peace Corp or other charity organization involved with the betterment of children’s lives.